Flirtation Bingeing, Hangovers, and the Dismal Season 7

Binge-watching

We've all done it. You find a show. A show that has 7+ seasons on Netflix. It's the best/worst day of your life. On the one hand, this show looks so amazing that knowing these seven seasons will fill your future makes you happier than a Hobbit before second breakfast. On the other hand, you know that any social life you have, any family that might want to talk to you about, you know, real life will suddenly find themselves wondering where you've gone. Because you will literally be hole up in your room during any spare time you can manage. You immerse yourself in the lives of these characters. You quote it constantly, get weird looks from people who don't understand why you are saying things like, "treat yo' self" and "Luke can waltz!" and "you have failed this city!" To them it doesn't make sense. To you, it's everything.

I'm about to connect this to dating. I can pretty much connect TV to any aspect of life but this one is not that far fetched. You know when you meet a cute new person that you actually have chemistry with? It's like a breath of fresh air because you've spent countless dates with random guys wondering if you honestly just have the weirdest personality on the planet and would get along with Whiskers the cat better than real humans. But alas, you have found someone that is attractive both in physical nature and personality. You spent 5+ hours with them and didn't get tired of them. What's more, they liked you too! In the words of the wise Tom Hanks in 'You've Got Mail', "I would have asked for your number, and I wouldn't have been able to wait twenty-four hours before calling you..." You honestly feel like this is your life.

So for a solid week, or month, you are in this excited adrenaline of bliss. Every free moment is spent on this person. Your friends know it because it's all you talk about. If you aren't talking about Adorable Man (or woman), give it a moment. This is how it goes...

Friend: I'm really tired!
You: Me too! I was up all night hanging out with Adorable Man

Friend: I'm so excited for this weekend!
You: Oh my gosh, I know. Adorable Man is taking me out! It's gonna be great!

Friend: I'm starting to get worried about the situation in the Middle East.
You: ... (says nothing) ...
Friend: ... (says nothing) ...
You: (decides it's been long enough to change the subject) So the other night I was hanging out with Adorable Man and he just grabbed my hand and left it there. I was freaking out! It was magical.

So this time period is what I'm going to label the binge-flirting stage. Like the shows we discussed earlier you are consumed by this new attraction. It's what you think about from the moment you wake up, seeing the cute smiley faced text, until you bid them farewell that night. This stage isn't likely to last long but you are clinging to it with everything you have because, let's face it, it's fun.

Flirtation Hangover

From the title of this stage you are probably thinking this stage hurts. I've never actually had an alcoholic hangover but from what I gather, they are not enjoyable. A Flirtation Hangover is not unenjoyable at all! Like a common hangover it occurs after the most fun part. After the endorphins are spent and a good number of dates together comes the Flirtation Hangover. Usually it begins after the physical barrier is broken. Maybe you are snuggled up with them, maybe you kissed them on the face, maybe you discussed some sort of title for your relationship. In any case you have fallen into a happy, relaxed state. You are not talking about them constantly anymore but when people ask you about it you are happy to relay how wonderful you feel about the whole thing.

I wish this stage lasted longer. You aren't losing sleep over them, you aren't trying to impress them. You like them and they like you and you are just being happy. I'd call it marriage but it's not quite that real. It's more like a content dream. It's like, nothing life throws at you is even going to hit you. You have escaped from the world and are living in this Flirtation Hangover.

Following our TV analogy, this is like season 2 or 3. It's usually the best season. It's the season where the director knows best what they are doing. You aren't quite bingeing with excitement, just binging because it's routine. You aren't pushing next episode on Netflix, you are just letting the autoplay do it's thing. Maybe you've heard this show gets pretty stupid later (Christopher and Lorelei season 6). Maybe you know it got cancelled way too early and only has 2 seasons (#pushingdaisies). It's not something you actively think about because you are enjoying the season you are in currently but it's in the back of your mind.

The Dismal Season 7

There is nothing worse in this world than watching a show that had so much potential and so many viewers ruin themselves. It's usually with some insanely ridiculous storyline like an evil Peter Pan. Sometimes it's because of a cast change up, like letting the most amazing independent female Israeli assassin Ziva David leave the show #neverforgotneverforgave. Sometimes they were all just in purgatory the entire time.... that one's the worst. You invested the time, you resistantly binge-watched through the rough season 5 because you had faith it would get better but you are left in season 7 with this terrible regret, like you just wasted the last few weeks. The show wasn't what you thought it was, it wasn't what you expected. You read the reviews but you didn't listen, figuring your tastes in TV shows were different than theirs. But like them you were disappointed. The worst part is that you invested all that time thinking the show was something it wasn't. And while the high of binge-watching was exciting and the hangover was comforting, the disappointment of an unfulfilling end makes you wonder if all that other stuff was even worth it. Sometimes you don't even finish the entire show because this season is so bad that you can't even muster up the motivation to keep watching. Why end it when you are not even sure if you like the show enough to do what needs to be done.

If you're struggling to figure out how to connect that to TV Shows just replace the sentiment of the show with the significant other.

The Last Episode

Most TV shows and relationships, even the bad ones, have a decent ending. It's not the ending you wanted when you started but with everything you've been through in the last month, you accept it's the best you're going to get. Ok, this is as far as I can take the analogy with both.

When a relationship, any relationship, ends you can't pretend it doesn't suck. You have, after all, invested some significant time and a more than significant amount of your heart. But by the end, most of the time you just want it to be over. After all the drama and unreturned texts and phone calls you are so done and just want it finalized. Depending on the other person the ending might be pretty anticlimactic. They might just send a text that says, "So, is it ok if we don't hang out as much anymore?" I mean, you're grateful they said something but it's not exactly what you wanted to hear. The opposite end of the spectrum is an open conversation over hot cocoa where you are able to analyze what didn't work and learn something. I like learning something so I know what we could have done differently. You don't always get this. Usually things are so messed up by the end, if there is a conversation it's just to get your Taylor Swift album back and officiate an ending.

When you watch the last episode of a terrible TV show you cry, not because you liked the show overall but because in those last 23-42 minutes you said goodbye to everything you fell in love with. No you didn't love every minute of the show but a director makes the last episode of a television show a tribute to the best of the show. They pull in all the stops: a lunch at Luke's Diner, a cameo by old cast members, maybe even a "That's what she said" by Michael Scott for the loyal fans. You cry, you laugh and when the final credits scroll you do feel closure. You feel clean and possibly watch some cheesy tribute videos on YouTube.



I'm not saying this always happens. I'm not saying bad relationships can't be fixed or good relationships don't fall apart. I'm not saying there aren't any great shows that last 7 seasons. I mean come on, West Wing, MacGyver, Little House on the Prairie, need I go on?! But for the shows that fall under this category; the shows that start good and end bad, the only thing you can do is wait. And then, after an amount of time that you can only decide . . . you slowly and carefully scroll down and place your cursor under "People who watched _____ also liked . . . " and away you go.

"Darling I'm a Nightmare Dressed like a Daydream"

Confession: I love Taylor Swift's new album. I know what you are thinking, "How could you? You have spent the better part of your teen life wishing Teardrops on My Guitar was a song about a guitar prodigy who gets in a serious accident leaving him blind (there's poetry in that) and Love Story ended the way Romeo and Juliet was meant to end with death and tragedy and people learning stuff!" This is true. Most of Taylor Swift's career has been poppy country-ish songs about how she's in love with the boy who doesn't want her and how in the end love is victorious even when you date a tool.  Gross. Nobody wants that.

I'm a hopeless romantic with a purpose. I don't love Twilight, I don't necessarily believe in love at first sight, or even soulmates. I don't think love will conquer all. I don't think just because you love someone life gets easier. I don't think two people who might have a chance will get that chance when they are far emotionally or physically. It's a nice idea and creates a fun storyline (to be clear I'm talking about Slumdog Millionaire here not Twilight), but it's not really what I believe in.

Oh yeah, and I definitely do not like the song "Shake it Off". Gah, I remember when this song came out and I was intrigued because of it's reputation on Social Media but after I listened to it I felt no originality. I didn't see emotion or even a decent beat. There was nothing about his song that stuck out as art to me. But the rest of the world loved it so I kept it to myself.  When the album came out I received several snapchats from friends excited to listen for themselves.  I didn't give the album a fair chance until I saw this:

While Pentatonix could read the dictionary and make it sound amazing, come on, that is solid. And you know which song is the worst of all during that mashup? Yup, Shake it Off! I mean I get that your single could be different from your other tracks but I feel like that song was completely disconnected. Pentatonix gave me hope because it meant the album had a shot.

 Here's where the problem came in. Taylor Swift decided to be very tight about where her music was displayed. She's not letting Spotify touch this album. YouTube keeps taking down any of her 1989 tracks. Unless you actually buy the album it's almost impossible to know how the music sounds.  I listened to covers good and bad.

Then two days ago the song "Blank Space" came out as a new single on iTunes. Take a moment here:

That song is not "Shake it Off" in rhythm or rhyme. The story is your basic "fling" relationship from beginning to end. My favorite part in that song is the fight in the middle. I love the scream singing. The passion is beautiful! I mean really it's just fantastic. I think I listened to this song 30+ times the day it came out. It's just different and great and has a fantastic beat. In that small yet perfect moment I became a fan. It's sad, a little, because it's not necessarily my "type" of music. It's the same way I felt when I read "The Fault in Our Stars" and loved it. I became the 99% again. I like something that has millions of likes and will be overplayed on the radio in a month. But I do! I like it a lot.

So why? Why does some of her songs make sense to me and most do not?  I think it comes down to the way we love. I began by telling you all the ways I don't love and what I don't believe in.  While I don't believe in young T-Swift love, as she grows up we understand eachother a little better.

I believe in female empowerment! "Blank Space" is a great example of this. She's got the power through the whole song. The man, while attractive, hardly says a word. I also believe in heartbreak. It's love at it's worst. Teardrops on my guitar never spoke to me but "I Wish you Would" does. It also has wicked harmonies, or at least this cover I heard does, I have yet to listen to the actual song. "Bad Blood" speaks of betrayal, "Style" is chemistry, and "New York" is adventurous. They all mean something to me and they all have amazing rhythm.

I don't like her whole album, I haven't listened to her whole album. I just know my idea of love is empowering, passionate, heartbreaking, regretful, frustrating, difficult, exciting, and sometimes short lived. That's how this album connected with me. Except Shake it Off, that one was just a swing and miss.

Confession: Love Songs After Dark with . . .

It's 7:00 on a Wednesday evening. The sun is starting to set (accept in Alaska), the work day is ending, the time to relax has begun. What are your plans? Do you have friends to catch up with? Alcohol to consume? Maybe you'll snuggle up with your love. Maybe you will cook and eat a delicious dinner before curling up by a fire. These are all great things to do. I'm about to let you in on a secret. For the past few nights I have had a lovely evening myself with someone I hold very dear. Her name is Delilah.

Now give me a second to bring you back to my childhood. When I was a wee lass I remember listening to the radio in the car. Mom would put on KOSY 106.5 a popular Utah station for adults and mormons both of which fit my mom's demo. As the sun went down the local DJ would finish up his/her segment and pass it along to the one and only Delilah. Now I do not know Delilah's last name. I don't know where she lives or what religion she is. I don't know if she is a doctor or a therapist or has any degree at all. What I do know for sure is that listening to her is the best medicine I could have for a bad day next to talking to my own family.

If you have never had the privelage of listening to Delilah let me break it down. Have you seen Sleepless in Seattle? No? Ok take two hours, watch the movie then come back...

Blech.

I just felt like I needed to write some thoughts down today. I woke up feeling depressed. I hate it when that happens and when I scope through the reasons most of them don't make sense. They are all short term reasons. They are all stupid things and none of them are sporadic, unexpected or in any way life altering. And yet, I feel like I do. I live in Alaska. I shouldn't start feeling depressed until the middle of winter when there is like 3 minutes of sunlight a day. And yet, here I am, constantly at the edge of tears.  So all I can do is try to make sense of what I know is consciously bothering me and hope the depression sinks out of me with every word.

I miss my family. I saw them like 2 months ago but I still miss them. I just found out I won't see them again until January. That's a long time. I'm missing big moments. One niece is growing up and another is about to come into this world and I won't be there; not for the baby shower or the baby blessing. I'll miss holding her in the hospital and decorating a nursery. Some of that maybe I wouldn't do anyway but I would have liked to have to option, you know? Now I found out that I won't even spend her first Christmas with her or with any of my family. I missed Christmas last year too. I know I am making conscious decisions that put me in these situations but it doesn't make it easy to eat fast food on Christmas Day. I just really hope it's easier this year.

I miss my friends too. I have friends in Anchorage, sure, but I miss the ones from Charleston. Talking on the phone is nice but not the same. One has dropped me all together. It's hard to let a friendship die, especially if that person was important to you. Especially if that person drops you without any explanation at all. It's just tough.

Besides that gloom, I'm sick. I hate being sick. It's like all the energy I'm used to having is drained from my body. I'm at the beginning of being sick too, which is miserable. I tried to kick it early without luck so now I just have to wait it out letting each stage take its course. I think about calling in sick to work but that will just prolong the sickness and the depression. If I'm at work my mind will be off by sickness. But when I am at work sick, I'm not at my 100%. I'm struggling to walk from point A to point B. Add 50 pounds of equipment and I'm not doing too well. So then I'm more depressed because I feel like I'm under performing. You see this cycle?

And you know what is best for you when you're sick? sleep. And you know what I can't get at all right now? Sleep. I'm on call this week which means at any point this week work can call me and tell me to go out and cover any story. Now this hasn't exactly happened yet but the looming thought that it might literally keeps me awake at night.

I know I'll get better. I know I just have to endure. I know I have a lot of amazing blessings in my life that I should focus on. Many of these problems are short term like the sickness and the on call. Others are a little longer but still short in the eternal perspective. But all I want is for my mom to make me soup and give me a blanket and let me watch movies as I'm laying on the couch. I'd also like to be 2000 miles closer to my family and be able to date the people I want to date without all the complications life brings in like timing. There is nothing I hate worse than timing. Is that really too much to ask? Ok it is. I'm sorry any poor person that stumbles onto this post. I'm not a cynic. I don't hate life often. When I do it's usually short lived. I just don't like the down times. They make me sad and hopeless. Things work out, life happens, do your best, and any other happy crochet sayings you can think of.

Emily Out.

The Highs, The Lows, and How Everything Eventually Works Out

DISCLAIMER: I've been watching a british comedy called "Miranda" all day. If any British slips in, I apologize.

Do you think we, as humans, crave drama? I mean subconsciously, of course. I don't think anyone wakes up in the morning and says, 'I really want to get a call from an irate friend, or if only I could have a crazy day filled with nonsense I will feel so much better'. But there is a rush I get when I know a rumor or when someone has just confronted me about something involving me. I listen intently, then ponder on it, then ask everyone I know what they think about it. That's the high. It feels exciting for the first few days in a strange, silly way. The low comes after you have dealt with it or after a week or so, when it's not even remotely fun. Anyone that has ever been in the fourth grade knows this. The problem is, in the fourth grade we get addicted to it, and for some it takes well into their early 20's (or longer) to get rid of. I know. That's a decade.

So how do you deal with it? How do you work out the drama-rama? No I'm actually asking. No I'm not. Or am I. No. Or- ok really though. Here was my latest method.

Let it go Oh sorry I heard that phrase was banned in the colonies. I mean move past it. Not the situation, but drama altogether. I mean look at yourself. Look at those wrinkles. Check out that nasty clicking jaw caused by stress clenched jaw syndrome (true story). This isn't healthy. When faced with drama, say NO. Similar, you may notice, to what you might answer when facing crack-cocaine (more commonly known as "the drugs") or a boyish attitude late at night. So what if this drug dealer doesn't take no for an answer. What if that stupid man face tries to push his luck. Well we run away. "run away and never return" ~Lion King, Scar/Simba circa 1994. Ok but let's get realsies here. It's really not worth it right? Drama was fun in the fourth grade, it made for some good talking points in high school, but aint nobody got time for that in their 20s. Sometimes this means losing friends, sometimes it means staying in on a Saturday night, sometimes it means moving across the country (foreshadowing....), but mostly it means choosing healthy relationships rather than toxic ones. Looking at the longterm, rather than the short term. It's hard in the beginning but if it's right it gets easier.

Lastly things do work out. Sometimes not how you would expect them to, but they do work out. I've learned you can't live in fear of what is to come. You can't be worried about other people's choices when there is nothing you can do to change their minds. You must move on with your life. Move forward. Take care of the things you can control and trust that everything else will work out. You will learn to be happy wherever life takes you as long as you are living the way you should be, working hard to put the stress and drama behind you.

Story(s) of the Week: A Flood of Tears

I have a pretty fantastic job. I get to go out every day and experience something new. Sometimes it's not that great. Sometimes I am stuck at a meeting for three hours trying to stay awake and make my video somewhat interesting. Those are not necessarily fun days. But for every boring days there comes a day once in a while that is so awesome I have to remind myself it's real life. Basically I'm pretty lucky. I have tried to document these days through photos to Facebook or writing them in my journal but I think the best way to do it is on here. My goal is to write to you dear reader(s) about my favorite story of the week. Not about how I shot it or how I edited it but about the experience behind the camera, what I was feeling and thinking as I stood in the center of a situation.

Now normally I would be able to boil my week down and find one story that stands out but this week there were two stories that really stood out for completely different reasons. The first, is an emotional journey that every journalist and photographer has experienced I think, the other is just a fun story that I would have never experienced in Utah, my previous home.

To Lose a Son
When you think of the media, what comes to mind? Amazing artists? Kind hearted investigators? Probably not. To many people they think of the media as emotionless robots who knock on your door and demand interviews about things you don't want to talk about. They get in your face with a camera, waiting for a soundbite that will lead the newscast. Well if this is what you think, you are wrong. We are human, just like you. We feel loss and pain and we are very aware of the grief someone goes through when something bad happens. Our goal is not to exploit but to help memorialize a victim and bring wrongdoers to justice, to show what is wrong with the world so that someone will see it and get out of their abusive situation or say something when they see it in another person's life. This week, I participated in a story about homicide. Without going into details I'll say that this person was taken from his family too soon. We had the opportunity to speak with the family and interview the victim's father. As we walked into their home we were greeted with warm smiles which quickly turned to tears as we asked how they were holding up. The family was very kind and we took our time, not wanting to rush them into an interview. I saw how this death affected every part of their life. They weren't sleeping, they had mail stacked up, as hard as the death in itself was, it was only the beginning of what they had to deal with. As we eventually sat down and began to talk with the father he shared memories of his son's life. He talked about his death and how it was affecting the family. Then he said something that was the final straw for me. He said he was going to try to live his life more like his son did, because he looked up to him. He wasn't the only one with tears in his eyes in that moment. It was very clear to me in that moment how much this victim was loved and how hard his passing was on them. As someone who loves her family very much, I think that was the best way he could ever memorialize his son. It was a beautiful moment and I was grateful to share in the emotion of the moment. I believe that we are too often afraid to cry or show emotion. I cry all the time! When a friend leaves, when a moment hits me in a movie, when I feel heartbroken, or scared, or like in this case empathetic. To share in human emotion is a blessing. I was grateful for the experience I had with this family. The next time you look at the media please try to remember that we feel the same as you, if we are knocking on your door understand the reason we are there for a reason, not for the drama, but to help tell a story that we feel is worth telling.

Up to my ankles
My least favorite thing about Charleston is the bugs. Roaches the size of my big toe (shiver) I just can't deal. But my second least favorite thing is definitely the flooding. My first year here there were several rain storms. Downtown Charleston is crowded enough. Add in a few inches of rain at high tide and you are in a very sticky situation. Add in afternoon traffic and you will hide in a hole until the world is back to normal. Welcome to Wednesday afternoon. The rain started around noon and wasn't going to stop anytime soon, so my reporter and I decided to make the most of it. We grabbed the gopro and a couple of rain jackets and headed into the unknown. I had some sturdy rain boots and two layers of rain gear for the camera. I was not afraid of the elements. Have you ever stood in the middle of a straight downpour without trying to avoid it? It's amazing! I've seen people do it and always thought they were crazy. Suddenly it was my whole goal. The point of my day was to capture this storm. And capture I did. I put the GoPro on the bottom of the car, right next to the tires, even in the flood water as cars sprayed water everywhere. I stood in the flood waiting for cars to drive by. For three hours I WANTED it to rain. My passion for the story showed as I brought it back to the station and threw it together for the news. I'm sick now. Sore throat, most likely a cold I picked up from the storm. But was it worth it? Heck yeah!

2 Completely Different Lives

Two thousand one hundred and eighty-two miles. It seems and looks like quite a long way but in the words of Annie James, "Sometimes it feels much further". Those two thousand miles is what separate me from my home in Utah. I took the six hour flight last week to see my family and friends. I left South Carolina feeling older, excited to show how much I had grown up. I had expectations. But now as I reflect on that trip a week after getting back to Charleston, I realize something: I haven't changed at all.

Ok now I don't mean I haven't changed at all because I have. If you talked to me in college before I left then flew out here and talked to me you would see two very different people. My experiences have made me grow. My mistakes have strengthened me, made me made me harder, less penetrable. But what I realized when I went home was that the environment I left and walked back into was the exact same and therefore I turned back into the person I was. Heck, I could hardly tell anyone anything about Charleston because I was so far removed from the environment.

Those two worlds rarely overlap. The people I see and the things I do in each place don't have much to do with each other so I don't force it. As I returned to Charleston the switch I flipped was almost tangible. I flew down over the Cooper River and the people who were texting me were different, the home I returned to was different, my week was suddenly full of different problems and concerns that had nothing to do with Utah. I've hardly talked about my trip to anyone here in Charleston because let's face it, they don't care. It's a world they don't know anything about.

Part of this makes me sad because if I had the opportunity to share both worlds with someone it would make transitions smoother. I could talk about both worlds with someone who understands, who wants to hear about it. But I've been working on something lately. I want to work on living in the present. When I have expectations I am usually disappointed. What I hate the most is when plans are made. Big awesome beautiful plans that give you the happiest feelings in the world. Then those plans are suddenly cancelled. It makes me wish the plans weren't made at all. I can't be disappointed if I don't have expectations. I dunno, just a random tangent.

Anywho, so it really isn't bad to have two separate lives. I can have the part of me that is here in Charleston, and the part of me that lives in Utah. Both places are great, both have people who care about me and have struggles but both are who I am now.  I think what scared me was going home and feeling like I wasn't different. Like I had to be pulled back, but I don't. I grow, I'm different now. For better and worse, I am different.