Blech.

I just felt like I needed to write some thoughts down today. I woke up feeling depressed. I hate it when that happens and when I scope through the reasons most of them don't make sense. They are all short term reasons. They are all stupid things and none of them are sporadic, unexpected or in any way life altering. And yet, I feel like I do. I live in Alaska. I shouldn't start feeling depressed until the middle of winter when there is like 3 minutes of sunlight a day. And yet, here I am, constantly at the edge of tears.  So all I can do is try to make sense of what I know is consciously bothering me and hope the depression sinks out of me with every word.

I miss my family. I saw them like 2 months ago but I still miss them. I just found out I won't see them again until January. That's a long time. I'm missing big moments. One niece is growing up and another is about to come into this world and I won't be there; not for the baby shower or the baby blessing. I'll miss holding her in the hospital and decorating a nursery. Some of that maybe I wouldn't do anyway but I would have liked to have to option, you know? Now I found out that I won't even spend her first Christmas with her or with any of my family. I missed Christmas last year too. I know I am making conscious decisions that put me in these situations but it doesn't make it easy to eat fast food on Christmas Day. I just really hope it's easier this year.

I miss my friends too. I have friends in Anchorage, sure, but I miss the ones from Charleston. Talking on the phone is nice but not the same. One has dropped me all together. It's hard to let a friendship die, especially if that person was important to you. Especially if that person drops you without any explanation at all. It's just tough.

Besides that gloom, I'm sick. I hate being sick. It's like all the energy I'm used to having is drained from my body. I'm at the beginning of being sick too, which is miserable. I tried to kick it early without luck so now I just have to wait it out letting each stage take its course. I think about calling in sick to work but that will just prolong the sickness and the depression. If I'm at work my mind will be off by sickness. But when I am at work sick, I'm not at my 100%. I'm struggling to walk from point A to point B. Add 50 pounds of equipment and I'm not doing too well. So then I'm more depressed because I feel like I'm under performing. You see this cycle?

And you know what is best for you when you're sick? sleep. And you know what I can't get at all right now? Sleep. I'm on call this week which means at any point this week work can call me and tell me to go out and cover any story. Now this hasn't exactly happened yet but the looming thought that it might literally keeps me awake at night.

I know I'll get better. I know I just have to endure. I know I have a lot of amazing blessings in my life that I should focus on. Many of these problems are short term like the sickness and the on call. Others are a little longer but still short in the eternal perspective. But all I want is for my mom to make me soup and give me a blanket and let me watch movies as I'm laying on the couch. I'd also like to be 2000 miles closer to my family and be able to date the people I want to date without all the complications life brings in like timing. There is nothing I hate worse than timing. Is that really too much to ask? Ok it is. I'm sorry any poor person that stumbles onto this post. I'm not a cynic. I don't hate life often. When I do it's usually short lived. I just don't like the down times. They make me sad and hopeless. Things work out, life happens, do your best, and any other happy crochet sayings you can think of.

Emily Out.