Last Night in Alaska

I was hiking in Utah a couple weeks ago with my dad and I ran into someone I knew from Alaska. She had just gotten married, we talked about how the wedding went and then she asked what I was up to.

"I'm moving to Seattle."
"What?"
"Yup I start work in July."
"You? Seriously?"
"Yup!"
"I never thought you'd leave Alaska."

You may have thought the same thing. Emily Landeen loves Alaska. She loves her job, her friends, her hikes. You NEVER thought Emily would leave Alaska  Yeah, neither did I...

But yeah, it's true. This is it. I'm leaving Alaska. Tomorrow, actually. I just looked out the window and the sun is setting on my last day in Alaska. I mean it's Alaska so it's setting very slow. It's 11:00 now so it'll be another hour before it's below the horizon easy. I've been here for 3 years and I'm leaving Alaska. It feels weird to say it honestly. For the last 3 years every blog post, every Instagram, every comment to friends and family have basically been why I live in and love Alaska. It's been what the latest adventure has been or what I've added to my Alaskan bucket list most recently. It's been me asking people to come visit me and planning trips for family. And now, I'm voluntarily choosing to move elsewhere. If I were someone else I'd probably slap myself. This post is really three fold. One, I just want to record some of my thoughts and feelings of my last night in Alaksa. Two, I want to share some of the best things that have happened to me in Alaska. Three, I want to answer to why question so that I can look back at it in the hard times that will come.

This is a picture of me the first day I came to Alaska.

Oh young Emily. You knew so little about the world. You posted pictures of what your bedroom looked like and got excited when looking at the trees outside your window. You had very little Instagram game and was ready to meet ALL those beautiful Alaskan men. You weren't sure what Alaska would be like or if you'd make any friends at all but you hoped at least a few people would pity you enough to say hi. Oh Emily, you had no idea.

I came for the job. It was sold to me as a job unlike any other in the country. You flew over mountains and forest fires and shot stories about unique people in arguably the most unique state in the US. All I wanted to do when I came here was travel. That was the point. I wanted to cruise around Alaska in small planes seeing this state. The first 6 months I had nothing. I worked so hard but there were people who had more experience and the reputation for delivering. It is hard to invest time and money in someone who hasn't proven herself yet. But eventually opportunities came. I could talk about Shageluk where I saw 100 Wood Bison being released into Rural Alaska. I could talk about my first local flight. It was to Valdez and I didn't think anything could look more beautiful than flying into that mountain range. I could talk about flying to the Aleutian chain. It took three hours, we flew over rivers, ocean, glaciers and volcanos and we didn't even leave the state. But I want to talk about Denali Base Camp. Mostly because I think it was the epitome of what I came to Alaska to do.

You have to say what you want. I learned that in Alaska. The quiet kid will never get a day off and never get the dream shoot. You have to speak up. Not annoyingly, but you have to ask for something in order to get it. I mentioned to a reporter, Bonney Bowman, that I'd love to do a trip to Denali Base Camp. That mountain had been something I adored since the first time I jumped into a car and drove to flattop at midnight to see the sun setting behind it. Before I got the job in Alaska I had seen others do stories up there and I wanted to feel that energy. I didn't want to hike Denali because I like oxygen and living but I wanted to see it. A few months later I found out I had an opportunity to go. The military in Alaska sets up base camp at the beginning of climbing season. They bring supplies up in Chinook Helicopters. Bonney asked if I could be the photojournalist. I was about to live one of my Alaskan dreams.

We flew out of Talkeetna. It was a beautiful clear day and the public relations team included Col. Brown. Bonney and I had worked with him before. His memory of us included us asking if we could sled down a hill at a military base. The answer was a very friendly no, in case you were wondering (we did it anyway shhh!). He was the public relations man we were working with. He could read my excitement from the beginning. We geared up and went to the chopper with all the media people. The best part was when they told us we could harness up and they would drop the back hatch so we could film outside the chopper. There is nothing worse for a photojournalist than filming out of a scratched up window and nothing better than knowing we could film beautiful mountain footage without a door in the way. There was also a bit of fear mixed in.



Chinooks are very steady but very loud. We all had earplugs in but the ride was otherwise very wonderful. When the time came I felt the carabiner attach to my harness and I walked towards the back of the aircraft. Adrenaline, fright, excitement, and about a dozen other feelings came all at once. I mean, how many normal humans have done this?! My legs were shaky so I took a knee and filmed as we swept across mountains. Perfectly white untouched mountains. There is a reverence to it. I was in awe. When we had landed and the earplugs came off things got even better. Walking outside was like staring at the sun. everything was so white everywhere. We had a sunny day so it was quite warm. We started walking around and got extremely warm. The sun beat off the snow and was warming us up quick. We delayered and asked what the temperature was. They said about 30 degrees. It felt like 70. The military, in their very military way, went straight to work and so did we. The story was pretty straight forward. The soldiers talked about how this training was really unique to Alaska and how they were excited to be a part of it. When we had wrapped it up we had a little time to enjoy the beauty around us. We took pictures and laughed and played in the snow. I played in the snow on the largest mountain in North America. How cool is that!?

When we arrived back in Talkeetna Col. Brown said every time he looked over at me on the plane I had the biggest smile on my face. I'm not surprised. My face reflected exactly what I was feeling inside. Pure joy. The purest and the realest joy I could have ever felt.

I've had many experiences like this. I've sat on a boat in Southeast Alaska watching whales feed. I've climbed mountains in the middle of the night because the sun wasn't setting, I've watched bears just feet away from me as they feed on Alaskan Salmon. I've stood under the Northern Lights and gone to work just hours later. Alaska has been good to me.

Now I'm trying to believe that all that goodness doesn't mean the next chapter of my life will be less good. I'm trying to beleive that I haven't peaked in Alaska at the ripe old age of 26. Tomorrow I leave for a new journey. A journey that has been my dream since I started this career. Ay Mamá What do you do when Your dreams come true? When you get an opportunity for something great but it means you have to leave something you love how do you do it?

Here's what I've come up with: I have a great life here in Alaska. I have friends and community. I have more than enough mountains for a lifetime and the job was amazing. But the unknown is also great. 3 years ago Emily didn't necessarily love climbing mountains. She had never dreamt of the Northern Lights. She didn't even know you could survive in 60 below nor shoot video in it. She didn't know much about the Iditarod or salmon fishing or glaciers. She had never seen a whale or a bear in the wild. 3 years ago Emily didn't know what she was missing in her life but 3 years later Emily can't imagine her life without those experiences.

So bring it on Seattle. Bring on the rain (TM Jo Dee Messina), bring on chasing waterfalls (TM TLC), and bring on McDreamys (TM Shonda Rimes). Mostly bring on all the things that in a year or two I wouldn't ever know I could live without. I've got nothing but learning and growing to do lets do it in a new place.

So what's the big deal about the Aurora?

Alright folks, it's time I talk about something Alaskan. I have discussed everything from menfolk to TV to a few of the actual emotions I have from time to time but let's face it, that's not why you click on my links. You click because I'm your cool Alaskan friend and you are hoping that every post will provide some insight to what it's like living on top of the world.

I remember the first day I saw Anchorage. I remember going out onto the Seward highway and seeing the Cook Inlet surrounded by perfect mountains. I remember going to a barbecue and talking for hours on end not even realizing that it was 1am because the sun was barely setting. I remember my first sunset on Flattop and snowshoeing through the mountains in my insanely warm military grade Bunny Boots. I could describe all these things in length but my heart really lies with another subject. I've been trying to write this post for months and with a recent experience I think it's time to talk about the Aurora Borealis.

Everyone loves summers in Alaska. That's when the tourists come in by the hundreds. I understand. In the summer you have train trips, camping, hiking, and warm weather to do it all in. It's on it's way. Spring has sprung and with it the days in Alaska will get longer. I never thought I'd be as sad to see winter and darkness leave. If you had asked me 4 months ago I would have told you that I'd trade a kidney for some sunlight. It's amazing the power of one beautiful sight can do. One night the clear skies overlooking the 49th state changed everything. Let me take you back to that day. See, I write many blog posts and only about half ever see the light of day. But I'll take an excerpt from that post. I said,

"It's cold. Really cold. Like, I need to buy warmer everything. It's dark. The sun hardly comes up and when it does it's cloudy. Contrast that with what I moved away from in Charleston: Sun, sun, a little rain, then more sun. My two lives couldn't be more different. When the seasons started changing my mood did too. I don't know if it is seasonal affective disorder, homesickness, hormones or some combination of the three but it wasn't fun. The absence of genuine happiness is very tangible. One night I walked outside to see if the skies were clear. That's when I first saw it. The sky was dancing. There were blank boring dark spots but there were spots with green lights that danced. It would move slower then disappear all together. I laughed, I felt like a ten year old kid, experiencing something new."

Seeing the Aurora is like feeling a completely new emotion. It's spiritual, It's romantic, it's exciting, like an adrenaline rush of joy.  I don't think I've ever seen anything like it. I think from that first time I saw them, I decided I would never miss an opportunity to see the lights.

Which brings me to March sixtee- oh wait no. Which brings me to March 17th. I was working nightside on the 16th and heard about the storm warning. No not a thunderstorm or a blizzard or flash flood warning. A Geomagnetic Storm, the best kind in my opinion. Let me put it in terms that may or may not be accurate: solar wind comes flying towards earth at a million miles an hour, hits atmosphere, mixes with elements (oxygen, nitrogen) and makes pretty sick colors in the sky. Anyway I heard this storm was coming my way and knew I only had one choice. Venture around the state with two goals: stay awake and see the lights.

The lights were currently forecast at about a kp5. the higher the number the better chance you have of seeing something. A kp5 is worth a trip out. So about 11pm I headed for the hills aka Eagle River. There was a spot there I had gone before with good results. I was also going by myself and hoped this place would be popular enough that I wouldn't get murdered or kidnapped.

Let's pull away from the sciency, kp, geomagnetic crap for a sec though. The Aurora is a lady and she doesn't show up for just anyone. You can look at all the stats but if she doesn't want to show up she don't! The key then is patience. Will you out-wait the posers? Will you sit for hours in the cold with no results? Will you drive to the middle of nowhere so the conditions are perfect? Will you pee in the middle of the woods so you don't miss anything?  If yes, you've got a shot at seeing the once in a lifetime beauty.

Eagle river was deserted. Apparently the rest of the world missed the Aurora memo. There was one car of what I can only guess by their music was hoodlum teens doing some weed  (it's fine, totally legal).  I stayed there not too long because it was really windy and this was not the best location. If it was going to be a long night I needed to head to another super secret location. I drove for a good half hour, found the easily-missed road, and parked in a deserted area. I can't tell you if I felt more comfortable here or around the drug using teens but there was no turning back now!

I sat for about an hour not seeing much. It was an overcast night and the clouds were blocking pretty much everything. A light diffused haze reached towards the north but after an hour I was ready to see something. It was, after all, about 1am at this point. Finally it started up. It was straight overhead with green lines coming straight down at me. The wind had no effect on me as soon as I saw this. It danced for a while then as quick as it had come, it left again. Most people would say, ok good, I've seen it, I can go home and sleep. See, I'm not most people. I checked the updates and saw it was going to get up to a kp 6.3 in about 40 minutes. That means way more of what I just saw! So I settled in with my Diet Coke and listened to my iPod.

An hour went by and it was time for round 2. This was completely different than what I had seen in the past. Imagine a thunderstorm inside the clouds so all you see is part of the sky light up for a second then go back to black. Now imagine that cloud being green and seeing the stars behind it. That's what it looked like. Usually the lights streak across the sky in a pattern but this was so different. Like music notes. I could have listened to that song all night! It was like fantasia 2000 where the wales are flying in the sky. Once it died down I decided it was probably time to call it quits. You know you've exhausted every effort when your Diet Coke is gone and you're listening to Simon and Garfunkel's greatest hits for the second time that night.

Driving home was the easy part. As I got back into town I decided to just check the forecast one more time. That was my mistake. In 5 minutes the lights will hit a 6.5.  Luckily I live in a dark neighborhood. I literally laid on the cement and watched the sky overhead give me a classically beautiful show. But it could be better and flattop mountain was only 10 minutes away. And I was awake anyway, and tonight might be the last good night... So once again I jumped in the car and headed to flattop. A few others were there taking pictures. I hiked up and watched the sky dance around me. It's amazing to see how many patterns lights take. streaks sideways, straight down at you, flashes of green. I think I saw it all. The rest of the night was an ebb and flow of lights. I would stay outside as long as I could stand then huddle back in the car and try to stay awake.

Bedtime came sometime around 6am, which is a shame because the lights peaked at about 6:30. Still it was worth it. I don't think I'll ever take those lights for granted. I also don't think you can capture them. Pictures are beautiful and I've taken my fair share but when it gets down to it the lights are an experience. An experience everyone should have in some way. They are a little piece of the sun, saying hello in the darkest of days.

Epilogue:
 The next morning it made national news how great the lights were the night previous. Media outlets announced the storm saying the following night would be just as good. I did go out again. There were tons of people but most didn't stick around too far past midnight. I watched a pretty good show, not like the night before of course, but good nontheless.

Flirtation Bingeing, Hangovers, and the Dismal Season 7

Binge-watching

We've all done it. You find a show. A show that has 7+ seasons on Netflix. It's the best/worst day of your life. On the one hand, this show looks so amazing that knowing these seven seasons will fill your future makes you happier than a Hobbit before second breakfast. On the other hand, you know that any social life you have, any family that might want to talk to you about, you know, real life will suddenly find themselves wondering where you've gone. Because you will literally be hole up in your room during any spare time you can manage. You immerse yourself in the lives of these characters. You quote it constantly, get weird looks from people who don't understand why you are saying things like, "treat yo' self" and "Luke can waltz!" and "you have failed this city!" To them it doesn't make sense. To you, it's everything.

I'm about to connect this to dating. I can pretty much connect TV to any aspect of life but this one is not that far fetched. You know when you meet a cute new person that you actually have chemistry with? It's like a breath of fresh air because you've spent countless dates with random guys wondering if you honestly just have the weirdest personality on the planet and would get along with Whiskers the cat better than real humans. But alas, you have found someone that is attractive both in physical nature and personality. You spent 5+ hours with them and didn't get tired of them. What's more, they liked you too! In the words of the wise Tom Hanks in 'You've Got Mail', "I would have asked for your number, and I wouldn't have been able to wait twenty-four hours before calling you..." You honestly feel like this is your life.

So for a solid week, or month, you are in this excited adrenaline of bliss. Every free moment is spent on this person. Your friends know it because it's all you talk about. If you aren't talking about Adorable Man (or woman), give it a moment. This is how it goes...

Friend: I'm really tired!
You: Me too! I was up all night hanging out with Adorable Man

Friend: I'm so excited for this weekend!
You: Oh my gosh, I know. Adorable Man is taking me out! It's gonna be great!

Friend: I'm starting to get worried about the situation in the Middle East.
You: ... (says nothing) ...
Friend: ... (says nothing) ...
You: (decides it's been long enough to change the subject) So the other night I was hanging out with Adorable Man and he just grabbed my hand and left it there. I was freaking out! It was magical.

So this time period is what I'm going to label the binge-flirting stage. Like the shows we discussed earlier you are consumed by this new attraction. It's what you think about from the moment you wake up, seeing the cute smiley faced text, until you bid them farewell that night. This stage isn't likely to last long but you are clinging to it with everything you have because, let's face it, it's fun.

Flirtation Hangover

From the title of this stage you are probably thinking this stage hurts. I've never actually had an alcoholic hangover but from what I gather, they are not enjoyable. A Flirtation Hangover is not unenjoyable at all! Like a common hangover it occurs after the most fun part. After the endorphins are spent and a good number of dates together comes the Flirtation Hangover. Usually it begins after the physical barrier is broken. Maybe you are snuggled up with them, maybe you kissed them on the face, maybe you discussed some sort of title for your relationship. In any case you have fallen into a happy, relaxed state. You are not talking about them constantly anymore but when people ask you about it you are happy to relay how wonderful you feel about the whole thing.

I wish this stage lasted longer. You aren't losing sleep over them, you aren't trying to impress them. You like them and they like you and you are just being happy. I'd call it marriage but it's not quite that real. It's more like a content dream. It's like, nothing life throws at you is even going to hit you. You have escaped from the world and are living in this Flirtation Hangover.

Following our TV analogy, this is like season 2 or 3. It's usually the best season. It's the season where the director knows best what they are doing. You aren't quite bingeing with excitement, just binging because it's routine. You aren't pushing next episode on Netflix, you are just letting the autoplay do it's thing. Maybe you've heard this show gets pretty stupid later (Christopher and Lorelei season 6). Maybe you know it got cancelled way too early and only has 2 seasons (#pushingdaisies). It's not something you actively think about because you are enjoying the season you are in currently but it's in the back of your mind.

The Dismal Season 7

There is nothing worse in this world than watching a show that had so much potential and so many viewers ruin themselves. It's usually with some insanely ridiculous storyline like an evil Peter Pan. Sometimes it's because of a cast change up, like letting the most amazing independent female Israeli assassin Ziva David leave the show #neverforgotneverforgave. Sometimes they were all just in purgatory the entire time.... that one's the worst. You invested the time, you resistantly binge-watched through the rough season 5 because you had faith it would get better but you are left in season 7 with this terrible regret, like you just wasted the last few weeks. The show wasn't what you thought it was, it wasn't what you expected. You read the reviews but you didn't listen, figuring your tastes in TV shows were different than theirs. But like them you were disappointed. The worst part is that you invested all that time thinking the show was something it wasn't. And while the high of binge-watching was exciting and the hangover was comforting, the disappointment of an unfulfilling end makes you wonder if all that other stuff was even worth it. Sometimes you don't even finish the entire show because this season is so bad that you can't even muster up the motivation to keep watching. Why end it when you are not even sure if you like the show enough to do what needs to be done.

If you're struggling to figure out how to connect that to TV Shows just replace the sentiment of the show with the significant other.

The Last Episode

Most TV shows and relationships, even the bad ones, have a decent ending. It's not the ending you wanted when you started but with everything you've been through in the last month, you accept it's the best you're going to get. Ok, this is as far as I can take the analogy with both.

When a relationship, any relationship, ends you can't pretend it doesn't suck. You have, after all, invested some significant time and a more than significant amount of your heart. But by the end, most of the time you just want it to be over. After all the drama and unreturned texts and phone calls you are so done and just want it finalized. Depending on the other person the ending might be pretty anticlimactic. They might just send a text that says, "So, is it ok if we don't hang out as much anymore?" I mean, you're grateful they said something but it's not exactly what you wanted to hear. The opposite end of the spectrum is an open conversation over hot cocoa where you are able to analyze what didn't work and learn something. I like learning something so I know what we could have done differently. You don't always get this. Usually things are so messed up by the end, if there is a conversation it's just to get your Taylor Swift album back and officiate an ending.

When you watch the last episode of a terrible TV show you cry, not because you liked the show overall but because in those last 23-42 minutes you said goodbye to everything you fell in love with. No you didn't love every minute of the show but a director makes the last episode of a television show a tribute to the best of the show. They pull in all the stops: a lunch at Luke's Diner, a cameo by old cast members, maybe even a "That's what she said" by Michael Scott for the loyal fans. You cry, you laugh and when the final credits scroll you do feel closure. You feel clean and possibly watch some cheesy tribute videos on YouTube.



I'm not saying this always happens. I'm not saying bad relationships can't be fixed or good relationships don't fall apart. I'm not saying there aren't any great shows that last 7 seasons. I mean come on, West Wing, MacGyver, Little House on the Prairie, need I go on?! But for the shows that fall under this category; the shows that start good and end bad, the only thing you can do is wait. And then, after an amount of time that you can only decide . . . you slowly and carefully scroll down and place your cursor under "People who watched _____ also liked . . . " and away you go.

"Darling I'm a Nightmare Dressed like a Daydream"

Confession: I love Taylor Swift's new album. I know what you are thinking, "How could you? You have spent the better part of your teen life wishing Teardrops on My Guitar was a song about a guitar prodigy who gets in a serious accident leaving him blind (there's poetry in that) and Love Story ended the way Romeo and Juliet was meant to end with death and tragedy and people learning stuff!" This is true. Most of Taylor Swift's career has been poppy country-ish songs about how she's in love with the boy who doesn't want her and how in the end love is victorious even when you date a tool.  Gross. Nobody wants that.

I'm a hopeless romantic with a purpose. I don't love Twilight, I don't necessarily believe in love at first sight, or even soulmates. I don't think love will conquer all. I don't think just because you love someone life gets easier. I don't think two people who might have a chance will get that chance when they are far emotionally or physically. It's a nice idea and creates a fun storyline (to be clear I'm talking about Slumdog Millionaire here not Twilight), but it's not really what I believe in.

Oh yeah, and I definitely do not like the song "Shake it Off". Gah, I remember when this song came out and I was intrigued because of it's reputation on Social Media but after I listened to it I felt no originality. I didn't see emotion or even a decent beat. There was nothing about his song that stuck out as art to me. But the rest of the world loved it so I kept it to myself.  When the album came out I received several snapchats from friends excited to listen for themselves.  I didn't give the album a fair chance until I saw this:

While Pentatonix could read the dictionary and make it sound amazing, come on, that is solid. And you know which song is the worst of all during that mashup? Yup, Shake it Off! I mean I get that your single could be different from your other tracks but I feel like that song was completely disconnected. Pentatonix gave me hope because it meant the album had a shot.

 Here's where the problem came in. Taylor Swift decided to be very tight about where her music was displayed. She's not letting Spotify touch this album. YouTube keeps taking down any of her 1989 tracks. Unless you actually buy the album it's almost impossible to know how the music sounds.  I listened to covers good and bad.

Then two days ago the song "Blank Space" came out as a new single on iTunes. Take a moment here:

That song is not "Shake it Off" in rhythm or rhyme. The story is your basic "fling" relationship from beginning to end. My favorite part in that song is the fight in the middle. I love the scream singing. The passion is beautiful! I mean really it's just fantastic. I think I listened to this song 30+ times the day it came out. It's just different and great and has a fantastic beat. In that small yet perfect moment I became a fan. It's sad, a little, because it's not necessarily my "type" of music. It's the same way I felt when I read "The Fault in Our Stars" and loved it. I became the 99% again. I like something that has millions of likes and will be overplayed on the radio in a month. But I do! I like it a lot.

So why? Why does some of her songs make sense to me and most do not?  I think it comes down to the way we love. I began by telling you all the ways I don't love and what I don't believe in.  While I don't believe in young T-Swift love, as she grows up we understand eachother a little better.

I believe in female empowerment! "Blank Space" is a great example of this. She's got the power through the whole song. The man, while attractive, hardly says a word. I also believe in heartbreak. It's love at it's worst. Teardrops on my guitar never spoke to me but "I Wish you Would" does. It also has wicked harmonies, or at least this cover I heard does, I have yet to listen to the actual song. "Bad Blood" speaks of betrayal, "Style" is chemistry, and "New York" is adventurous. They all mean something to me and they all have amazing rhythm.

I don't like her whole album, I haven't listened to her whole album. I just know my idea of love is empowering, passionate, heartbreaking, regretful, frustrating, difficult, exciting, and sometimes short lived. That's how this album connected with me. Except Shake it Off, that one was just a swing and miss.

Confession: Love Songs After Dark with . . .

It's 7:00 on a Wednesday evening. The sun is starting to set (accept in Alaska), the work day is ending, the time to relax has begun. What are your plans? Do you have friends to catch up with? Alcohol to consume? Maybe you'll snuggle up with your love. Maybe you will cook and eat a delicious dinner before curling up by a fire. These are all great things to do. I'm about to let you in on a secret. For the past few nights I have had a lovely evening myself with someone I hold very dear. Her name is Delilah.

Now give me a second to bring you back to my childhood. When I was a wee lass I remember listening to the radio in the car. Mom would put on KOSY 106.5 a popular Utah station for adults and mormons both of which fit my mom's demo. As the sun went down the local DJ would finish up his/her segment and pass it along to the one and only Delilah. Now I do not know Delilah's last name. I don't know where she lives or what religion she is. I don't know if she is a doctor or a therapist or has any degree at all. What I do know for sure is that listening to her is the best medicine I could have for a bad day next to talking to my own family.

If you have never had the privelage of listening to Delilah let me break it down. Have you seen Sleepless in Seattle? No? Ok take two hours, watch the movie then come back...

Blech.

I just felt like I needed to write some thoughts down today. I woke up feeling depressed. I hate it when that happens and when I scope through the reasons most of them don't make sense. They are all short term reasons. They are all stupid things and none of them are sporadic, unexpected or in any way life altering. And yet, I feel like I do. I live in Alaska. I shouldn't start feeling depressed until the middle of winter when there is like 3 minutes of sunlight a day. And yet, here I am, constantly at the edge of tears.  So all I can do is try to make sense of what I know is consciously bothering me and hope the depression sinks out of me with every word.

I miss my family. I saw them like 2 months ago but I still miss them. I just found out I won't see them again until January. That's a long time. I'm missing big moments. One niece is growing up and another is about to come into this world and I won't be there; not for the baby shower or the baby blessing. I'll miss holding her in the hospital and decorating a nursery. Some of that maybe I wouldn't do anyway but I would have liked to have to option, you know? Now I found out that I won't even spend her first Christmas with her or with any of my family. I missed Christmas last year too. I know I am making conscious decisions that put me in these situations but it doesn't make it easy to eat fast food on Christmas Day. I just really hope it's easier this year.

I miss my friends too. I have friends in Anchorage, sure, but I miss the ones from Charleston. Talking on the phone is nice but not the same. One has dropped me all together. It's hard to let a friendship die, especially if that person was important to you. Especially if that person drops you without any explanation at all. It's just tough.

Besides that gloom, I'm sick. I hate being sick. It's like all the energy I'm used to having is drained from my body. I'm at the beginning of being sick too, which is miserable. I tried to kick it early without luck so now I just have to wait it out letting each stage take its course. I think about calling in sick to work but that will just prolong the sickness and the depression. If I'm at work my mind will be off by sickness. But when I am at work sick, I'm not at my 100%. I'm struggling to walk from point A to point B. Add 50 pounds of equipment and I'm not doing too well. So then I'm more depressed because I feel like I'm under performing. You see this cycle?

And you know what is best for you when you're sick? sleep. And you know what I can't get at all right now? Sleep. I'm on call this week which means at any point this week work can call me and tell me to go out and cover any story. Now this hasn't exactly happened yet but the looming thought that it might literally keeps me awake at night.

I know I'll get better. I know I just have to endure. I know I have a lot of amazing blessings in my life that I should focus on. Many of these problems are short term like the sickness and the on call. Others are a little longer but still short in the eternal perspective. But all I want is for my mom to make me soup and give me a blanket and let me watch movies as I'm laying on the couch. I'd also like to be 2000 miles closer to my family and be able to date the people I want to date without all the complications life brings in like timing. There is nothing I hate worse than timing. Is that really too much to ask? Ok it is. I'm sorry any poor person that stumbles onto this post. I'm not a cynic. I don't hate life often. When I do it's usually short lived. I just don't like the down times. They make me sad and hopeless. Things work out, life happens, do your best, and any other happy crochet sayings you can think of.

Emily Out.

The Highs, The Lows, and How Everything Eventually Works Out

DISCLAIMER: I've been watching a british comedy called "Miranda" all day. If any British slips in, I apologize.

Do you think we, as humans, crave drama? I mean subconsciously, of course. I don't think anyone wakes up in the morning and says, 'I really want to get a call from an irate friend, or if only I could have a crazy day filled with nonsense I will feel so much better'. But there is a rush I get when I know a rumor or when someone has just confronted me about something involving me. I listen intently, then ponder on it, then ask everyone I know what they think about it. That's the high. It feels exciting for the first few days in a strange, silly way. The low comes after you have dealt with it or after a week or so, when it's not even remotely fun. Anyone that has ever been in the fourth grade knows this. The problem is, in the fourth grade we get addicted to it, and for some it takes well into their early 20's (or longer) to get rid of. I know. That's a decade.

So how do you deal with it? How do you work out the drama-rama? No I'm actually asking. No I'm not. Or am I. No. Or- ok really though. Here was my latest method.

Let it go Oh sorry I heard that phrase was banned in the colonies. I mean move past it. Not the situation, but drama altogether. I mean look at yourself. Look at those wrinkles. Check out that nasty clicking jaw caused by stress clenched jaw syndrome (true story). This isn't healthy. When faced with drama, say NO. Similar, you may notice, to what you might answer when facing crack-cocaine (more commonly known as "the drugs") or a boyish attitude late at night. So what if this drug dealer doesn't take no for an answer. What if that stupid man face tries to push his luck. Well we run away. "run away and never return" ~Lion King, Scar/Simba circa 1994. Ok but let's get realsies here. It's really not worth it right? Drama was fun in the fourth grade, it made for some good talking points in high school, but aint nobody got time for that in their 20s. Sometimes this means losing friends, sometimes it means staying in on a Saturday night, sometimes it means moving across the country (foreshadowing....), but mostly it means choosing healthy relationships rather than toxic ones. Looking at the longterm, rather than the short term. It's hard in the beginning but if it's right it gets easier.

Lastly things do work out. Sometimes not how you would expect them to, but they do work out. I've learned you can't live in fear of what is to come. You can't be worried about other people's choices when there is nothing you can do to change their minds. You must move on with your life. Move forward. Take care of the things you can control and trust that everything else will work out. You will learn to be happy wherever life takes you as long as you are living the way you should be, working hard to put the stress and drama behind you.

Story(s) of the Week: A Flood of Tears

I have a pretty fantastic job. I get to go out every day and experience something new. Sometimes it's not that great. Sometimes I am stuck at a meeting for three hours trying to stay awake and make my video somewhat interesting. Those are not necessarily fun days. But for every boring days there comes a day once in a while that is so awesome I have to remind myself it's real life. Basically I'm pretty lucky. I have tried to document these days through photos to Facebook or writing them in my journal but I think the best way to do it is on here. My goal is to write to you dear reader(s) about my favorite story of the week. Not about how I shot it or how I edited it but about the experience behind the camera, what I was feeling and thinking as I stood in the center of a situation.

Now normally I would be able to boil my week down and find one story that stands out but this week there were two stories that really stood out for completely different reasons. The first, is an emotional journey that every journalist and photographer has experienced I think, the other is just a fun story that I would have never experienced in Utah, my previous home.

To Lose a Son
When you think of the media, what comes to mind? Amazing artists? Kind hearted investigators? Probably not. To many people they think of the media as emotionless robots who knock on your door and demand interviews about things you don't want to talk about. They get in your face with a camera, waiting for a soundbite that will lead the newscast. Well if this is what you think, you are wrong. We are human, just like you. We feel loss and pain and we are very aware of the grief someone goes through when something bad happens. Our goal is not to exploit but to help memorialize a victim and bring wrongdoers to justice, to show what is wrong with the world so that someone will see it and get out of their abusive situation or say something when they see it in another person's life. This week, I participated in a story about homicide. Without going into details I'll say that this person was taken from his family too soon. We had the opportunity to speak with the family and interview the victim's father. As we walked into their home we were greeted with warm smiles which quickly turned to tears as we asked how they were holding up. The family was very kind and we took our time, not wanting to rush them into an interview. I saw how this death affected every part of their life. They weren't sleeping, they had mail stacked up, as hard as the death in itself was, it was only the beginning of what they had to deal with. As we eventually sat down and began to talk with the father he shared memories of his son's life. He talked about his death and how it was affecting the family. Then he said something that was the final straw for me. He said he was going to try to live his life more like his son did, because he looked up to him. He wasn't the only one with tears in his eyes in that moment. It was very clear to me in that moment how much this victim was loved and how hard his passing was on them. As someone who loves her family very much, I think that was the best way he could ever memorialize his son. It was a beautiful moment and I was grateful to share in the emotion of the moment. I believe that we are too often afraid to cry or show emotion. I cry all the time! When a friend leaves, when a moment hits me in a movie, when I feel heartbroken, or scared, or like in this case empathetic. To share in human emotion is a blessing. I was grateful for the experience I had with this family. The next time you look at the media please try to remember that we feel the same as you, if we are knocking on your door understand the reason we are there for a reason, not for the drama, but to help tell a story that we feel is worth telling.

Up to my ankles
My least favorite thing about Charleston is the bugs. Roaches the size of my big toe (shiver) I just can't deal. But my second least favorite thing is definitely the flooding. My first year here there were several rain storms. Downtown Charleston is crowded enough. Add in a few inches of rain at high tide and you are in a very sticky situation. Add in afternoon traffic and you will hide in a hole until the world is back to normal. Welcome to Wednesday afternoon. The rain started around noon and wasn't going to stop anytime soon, so my reporter and I decided to make the most of it. We grabbed the gopro and a couple of rain jackets and headed into the unknown. I had some sturdy rain boots and two layers of rain gear for the camera. I was not afraid of the elements. Have you ever stood in the middle of a straight downpour without trying to avoid it? It's amazing! I've seen people do it and always thought they were crazy. Suddenly it was my whole goal. The point of my day was to capture this storm. And capture I did. I put the GoPro on the bottom of the car, right next to the tires, even in the flood water as cars sprayed water everywhere. I stood in the flood waiting for cars to drive by. For three hours I WANTED it to rain. My passion for the story showed as I brought it back to the station and threw it together for the news. I'm sick now. Sore throat, most likely a cold I picked up from the storm. But was it worth it? Heck yeah!

2 Completely Different Lives

Two thousand one hundred and eighty-two miles. It seems and looks like quite a long way but in the words of Annie James, "Sometimes it feels much further". Those two thousand miles is what separate me from my home in Utah. I took the six hour flight last week to see my family and friends. I left South Carolina feeling older, excited to show how much I had grown up. I had expectations. But now as I reflect on that trip a week after getting back to Charleston, I realize something: I haven't changed at all.

Ok now I don't mean I haven't changed at all because I have. If you talked to me in college before I left then flew out here and talked to me you would see two very different people. My experiences have made me grow. My mistakes have strengthened me, made me made me harder, less penetrable. But what I realized when I went home was that the environment I left and walked back into was the exact same and therefore I turned back into the person I was. Heck, I could hardly tell anyone anything about Charleston because I was so far removed from the environment.

Those two worlds rarely overlap. The people I see and the things I do in each place don't have much to do with each other so I don't force it. As I returned to Charleston the switch I flipped was almost tangible. I flew down over the Cooper River and the people who were texting me were different, the home I returned to was different, my week was suddenly full of different problems and concerns that had nothing to do with Utah. I've hardly talked about my trip to anyone here in Charleston because let's face it, they don't care. It's a world they don't know anything about.

Part of this makes me sad because if I had the opportunity to share both worlds with someone it would make transitions smoother. I could talk about both worlds with someone who understands, who wants to hear about it. But I've been working on something lately. I want to work on living in the present. When I have expectations I am usually disappointed. What I hate the most is when plans are made. Big awesome beautiful plans that give you the happiest feelings in the world. Then those plans are suddenly cancelled. It makes me wish the plans weren't made at all. I can't be disappointed if I don't have expectations. I dunno, just a random tangent.

Anywho, so it really isn't bad to have two separate lives. I can have the part of me that is here in Charleston, and the part of me that lives in Utah. Both places are great, both have people who care about me and have struggles but both are who I am now.  I think what scared me was going home and feeling like I wasn't different. Like I had to be pulled back, but I don't. I grow, I'm different now. For better and worse, I am different.

2am

Yeah, It's 2am and I'm awake, not really sure why I'm writing this post. If you read this it'll be at a decent hour, not 2am. Maybe you should stop and wait until it is 2am to read this. I think it will make a lot more sense. Ok see you in a few . . .


Ok is it 2am? Good. Geez I know that was a long time and your now so exhausted that you will probably fall asleep reading this midsenten-

Still awake? I'm so proud. Ok so all this post is going to be is a 2am confessional subtly talking about all the things I have, don't have, and want in my life. Some will make more sense than others.

Love. Isn't that always the way. A whiney girl talking about the fact that she's almost 80 (in mormon years) and not married? #mylife. It's fine though really I have lots of guys I like, that's pretty much the same thing right? Unless those guys won't give you the time of day or haven't quite noticed you exist yet. So you have two options right? Fight for said men or put all emotion and energy into work using it as the excuse for being as my friend would say 'forever alone'. (The irony is this said girl is no longer alone :))

Work. That promotion you just aren't getting, that compliment you are fishing for but won't come. That paycheck that just needs to come a few days sooner. The vacation days you never learned how to file for. That is work. But once in a while it's great.  I had a great night tonight.  I laughed and talked with coworkers.  I liked it. I didn't feel stressed.  I want more of those days. Getting there. Work is relatively good I just wish I didn't have to make mistakes to learn from them.

Friends. Guess what? I'm not a good friend. WHAT? I know you're all opposing to this crazy outlandish statement. Get it out, yell at the top of your lungs all the things you love about me.  Done? Ok I don't mean I'm not a good friend short term. That's what I'm good at. A couple months at a time but there has come a time with 90% of you that I've had my freak out. I get too close, I trust too much, one of us gets hurt and I shut down. It's my thing. 80% of you forgive me and we become semi awkward comfortable friends and the other 20% of you won't read this unless it's out of spite to find out if I'm miserable without you. I am. Sorry. I've done it to all of you even my best friend. Middle school was a rough time for our friendship but we still call each other every birthday because it wouldn't be the same if we didn't at least say hey. Love her to death!

Fiction. Tiiiiiiivaaaaaaa! Everything hurts. I'm done.

Ok I got it all out of my system and you're all asleep by this point unless you read this at a decent hour in which case you are insanely confused by at least one statement in the last 4 paragraphs. If you've made it this far you deserve something great.

Tina Fey awkwardly dancing. You're welcome

 I love you all readers! Now go to sleep, especially if it's not 2am cuz it is here and I'm doin laundry!

There's No Save Point

Ok everyone it's time for a video game analogy. Now if you are into that hippy dippy X-station PS Wii nonsense I can't really help you out, but I think it's time to go back to Super Nintendo, maybe Super Mario World.

 So in Super Mario World there is a ghost house in the very beginning of the game.  It's insanely easy especially if you have a cape because you can basically fly through the entire thing.  After you beat a ghost house you can save.  Now whenever you get a game-over, you go back to the place you were when you saved.  It's common to save when you get low on lives or after you beat a really hard level.  There are so many different routes to take though that sometimes you will save right before you start one route and if it doesn't work out you can restart and take a different one.  Herein lies my genius analogy for the evening!

Don't you sometimes wish you could go back to your last save point in life? Pick a point and say, "ok this is when things were going really good, I'll go back there and do all this stuff a little differently." I sure do. I may go back to 10th grade.  Ah yes, those were the days.  No I'm kidding that's a lie.  I hated high school.  Loved my friends, hated high school.  Maybe I'd go back to 5th grade.  When I was in 5th grade I'd pretend to be Hawk from The Famous Jet Jackson.  I was a lonely kid so there was never anyone to actually play Silverstone but I'd imagine it and it was pretty much just as good. On the playground of Westland Elementary I learned how to play by myself.  My imagination was my best friend (my real best friend was always a grade older than me).

Perhaps I'd go back to high school when all I worshipped the ground my siblings walked on.  I wanted to live their awesome cool college lives! I wanted to be just like them.  I hadn't figured out who I was yet or what I wanted to do with my life. That didn't matter yet.  Maybe it was the perfect time.  I was home, close to them; something I really miss these days.

Maybe I'd go back to Freshman year in college.  I had some amazing friends then.  My friend Rachel literally wrote me a song! Check it out here. We had epic NCIS marathons that year and my roommate Lisa once tore my bed apart and spread it out throughout the apartment complex.  Glad the RA didn't ever find that one out.  That year I grew up and learned to be away from home.  I also learned how to live off a diet of Cheese its and Toast!

Or maybe I'd go back to my senior year of college and appreciate everyone a little more.  My amazing roommates who dealt with my fears of the future telling me I could do it.  My amazing parents supporting me in everything.

Maybe I'd go back to 2 months ago before I made a mistake that is still eating at me. Maybe I'd go back to 1 hour ago before I ok-ed someone to tell me something that hurt me a lot. Maybe I'd go back to two minutes ago before I wrote that or (deleted because I knew I'd regret writing this)

Ok well the point is there are no save points in life.  You can't go back. You can't undo what is done so you either fix it or get rid of it and move on. I don't know how to deal with the current dealings of my life.  I think it will work itself out though I don't know how yet.  All I know is I wish I were an italian plumber right about now.

Oh my Soaps

I'm gonna let you all in on an Emily Landeen secret love.  This is something that I find way to much joy in.  Lets set it up.  When I'm at work sometimes there is downtime. I work for a TV station so we have TVs everywhere and they are all programmed to  channel 4.  I am therefore always watching whatever is on.  The thing is there is no sound as it would distract from what we are supposed to be doing.  Ok so I'm sitting there watching daytime TV and you know what that means . . . Soap Operas.

Watching Soap Operas without sound is the most funny thing in the world. Now I could tell you why but I'm a visual person so I'm gonna give you some screenshots and discuss this.

Ah yes the dramatics.  How much time they probably spent making sure she showed the right expression.  And what is she talking about with doctor long-hair there (who totes looks like Rumple from Once Upon a Time right?)?  Does she secretly love him even though her husband is a patient in the hospital?  You see, no theory is too far-fetched with Soap Operas.  Maybe she is pregnant with a child but falling for her OBGYN? I mean I honestly don't know but I love theorizing. Moving on!

If there is one thing I have learned about Soap Operas it is that many men take their shirts off. Now earlier in this episode he was wearing a shirt. Where did it go?  Did they write it into the story or was the director just like, oh and now he's not gonna have a shirt on.  And again that expression.  Is he worried about his sexuality? (cuz with a haircut like that he might wanna think about it) Is he hoping the lighting in the room is accenting his pectorals right? Is his girlfriend telling him she is in love with his father? Who knows. The best is still yet to come though

Ok now this guy.  This guy is a winner.  Between his Justin Bieber haircut and bad boy facial expression you know he is the torn soul of the show.  He was probably in some terrible accident that left him with those lovely bandages on his face.  But what is with the baby?  My guess is his wife had the child after his accident and no one knows who the father is.  Is it his? No way.  It's the doctor's or a teenager's? Is the mom addicted to 'the drugs'?  The fact that that child is clearly months old shows that the show couldn't budget in a newborn. That is probably literally the director's child. Also I love how he is staring into the camera in that first pic.  I mean he is giving it his all.  Good work Keifer Sutherland from Lost Boys, good work on that look.

One of my favorite things about Soaps are the outdoor scenes.  Lets put a bench and a tree in the shot.  That will make it look like it's outdoors right? Yeah absolutely except anyone watching this knows this is not outside like at all.  This is the farthest thing from outside.  It's inside.  It's on a set.  The set does not go beyond the frame we see.  That is literally all they set up. But points for effort.  Also these boys are either in love or fighting over a girl. Or both.

So try it.  It is the equivalent to reading the titles to romance novels in a bookstore.  It gives you a great laugh and because you never quite know what is going on it lets the imagination fill in so many blanks.

~TTP

Also Nathan Fillion was in a soap opera once so there is hope for everyone even bleach blonde car accident victim there.

The 20's

I was reading this article today a friend had posted on Facebook.  This article was referencing girls who were currently in college and girls who had graduated college in their 20s.  It was talking about relationships and whether girls these days should get into committed relationships while they are in and around college age.  I don't think the article in its whole represents me or my lifestyle but I did see a paragraph that really made me say "That's my life!" 

“Hypothetically, if I were to enter into a serious relationship with someone right now,” she said, “would I honestly say to them: ‘We’re going to spend two years in Philadelphia, and then with some kind of crazy luck I’m going to spend eight years somewhere else? And [who] knows what you would have been doing for the two years that we were still in Philadelphia — you either would have to up and leave with me, or we’d have to do a long-distance.’ That’s just too much to even ask anyone to commit to.”

This probably struck me a tad harder because I literally just picked up my whole life and moved across the country despite a few interests I may or may not have had in the last lovely place I lived.  There were a few times I might have been able to talk them into coming, they may have been able to talk me into staying, or the two of us might have been able to talk eachother into trying long distance crap (bet you can't tell how I feel about that one) but I just couldn't do any of those because like the girl quoted above that is just way too much pressure. No one wants to be in a relationship that could end with one or both parties saying, "I gave up everything for you and then you were more interested in your career than you were in me." That ain't cool. 

I think society is in a weird place right now. Like this article says the 20's are the time for building yourself: your career, your self respect, growing as a person.  Ok so I think I fit very well into this category. I struggle getting too committed because I worry what I might miss out on in my own life if I get too tied down. (yes this is an excuse for my current relationship status when the truth is I have a complete lack of allure and the guys I like always end up going for the leggy blondes #samreeves) I'm enjoying my 20's as a strong independent female with the entire world as a possibility as my future.  This isn't the most attractive quality for a guy ready to settle down.  How does this play out?  I think we're in a transitional period that could end with a lot of single folk.  Some people like me are so gung-ho about our careers saying love and relationships will come later but what happens when we are all 35 single with no prospects?  First of all, will that actually happen?  And second of all if it does happen is that a bad thing?

Everyone wants to be loved.  Everyone enjoys affection physical and otherwise.  It's nice to be thought about and nice to have a partner in your life who wants to spend time with you.  BUT is it really necessary?  Not in the religious 'neither the man without the woman nor the woman without the man' way just in the could you have a happy life here on earth without matrimony?

I don't have the answer to this? Just putting it into the universe. For now I do feel lucky for having an awesome job, fantastic friends, and a family willing to skype with me every Sunday.  My realy question is will it if that is all I have in 10 years will it still be enough?

Future Father's Day

I don't often post on my romantic life on this blog. Or if I do I delete it faster than wifi. I don't want to appear weak. I don't want people to view me as a person who sits around feeling sad and lonely that she doesn't have a man. I try not to be that person. I do, after all, have so many great things in my life. I have An amazing family, An awesome job, and friends that throw me into pools fully clothed because that is how much they love me.  There is no reason to take up my time or yours pondering if/when I will get married. That is not what this post is either. See yesterday was father's day. It is a day when we celebrate men. Me, being a woman and feminist, I don't often do this but yesterday was a little different for me.

Yesterday at work we covered a number number of father's day events. First we went to the aquarium where dads were free when accompanied by one other paying visitor. I went in and watched as dad's and their little girls and boys shared an ice cream, looked at fish and took pictures. We interviewed some dads about fathers day. We got a lot of answers. The dads loved their kids. They loved spending the day with their kids. Some said being a dad was the best job ever. I feel like society sometimes makes dads into the bad guys. In the media we see the comedic dad who drinks beer and messes up. We see the abusive father, the cheating husband, but this is not the real world we live in. Most Dads love spending time with their kids. They hug them and hold them and spend every moment protecting them in some form or another.

My dad has the best qualities a daughter could ask for. He is the typical dad in that he taught me how to ride a bike, how to gut a fish, how to set up a spring bar tent, how to ride a snowboard. And if that was it I would feel lucky. But he is more than that. My dad went to see the muscal Wicked with me and my sister. He sings and has brought music into my home since I was a child, doing numbers with his brothers. He helped me with my science projects, met and respected each guy I have dated, and made me breakfasts on the days I have been home from college. Most of all he has always been worthy to give me a fathers blessing. Having the priesthood in my home was more important than anything else.  So yeah when it comes to guys I am a little picky maybe. I mean, look at what they have to live up to.

So here it comes. Are you ready? I am abut to be that girl. Ok. I do want to get married. I really do. Not because I can't survive without a man or because I really want someone to hug and kiss (though that does cross my mind) but because I want my kids to celebrate fathers day. I want them to buy their dad presents and give him hugs and I want the face of pride that I saw on a lot of dads yesterday on my husbands face on that day. I want my husband to hold our baby in his arms like it is the most fragile perfect thing in the world like the guy who became a father yesterday did. We interviewed him and he could barely pull his eyes away from his little boy. I want that.

So yeah. I am being that girl for a few minutes. Don't judge me. Because dads are great and yeah so are men.

~Emily

Ps don't worry next post will be uber feminist.

Part of the Team

Well folks it has been about a month since I've arrived in Charleston, South Carolina.  What a month.  It has come with so many changes.  I've made friends, eaten southern food, OH and I saw this Turtle outside of my house today!

Ok moving on.  So I haven't talked about my job to ya'll as much as I would like to.  From the second I stepped into KSL back in my senior year of high school I knew this is what I wanted to do.  I love the adrenaline of breaking news, I love the kind of people that work in a news station.  It is basically the best.  It is also long and tiring and HOT! Not the best.  But when you combine them you get magic!

So I work for ABC News 4.  Officially it is WCIV.  I have a great group of people to work with. Today though, I had a realization.  I realized that after a few weeks of hard work I made it.  I think I've been initiated as part of the team.  Not as 'the new girl' or the young kid who doesn't know anything yet, but the girl who can do this job.  Let me explain.

Yesterday was an extremely long day.  To start I woke up at 5am to get to a shoot at 7.  The shoot went ok but I didn't get everything I needed and it got frustrating.  But oh well.  I didn't have time to worry about it.  So I went to church and then back to work.  At 11 I went out to shoot a nat pack and came back just in time to edit and make it to my next event, a Beer and Dogs event.  After that I headed 20 minutes out to a finale for a festival.  I got just enough video before heading back to the station to edit everything.  But I did it. And I even had some time to spare. To fill that time I volunteered to go to a River Dogs baseball game to shoot some highlight video.  It was after that that things got really interesting.

After shooting River Dogs it was about 7:30 and I was just about ready to call it a night when . . . Breaking news, 911 call requesting water rescue.  We got an address and I was out of there.  It was on John's Island, 30 minutes out.  I got to the scene just as police were arriving.  I immediately started shooting video.  I had only gotten about 13 shots when the family approached me and threw me off the property.  I didn't blame them, I actually had no idea I was on private property but respected their wishes and immediately left.  There was no reason to stay except to gather information.  I got a few details and headed back.  (PS that footage I got was the only footage gathered from any of the stations).

At about 9:30 I was once again finishing up and ready to head out when there was another 911 call.  This one was a fire out in Mt. Pleasant.  I headed out again and shot some video and grabbed a very quick interview.  It was about 10:15 before I left and I needed to get my video ingested and edited before the news at 11.  I got back to the station at 10:40 and quickly threw something together.  With a deep breath I looked at the time (11:00) and decided my day could officially be over.

So. The next morning I walked into the station, still a tad tired from my busy day.  The first person to approach me was Scott.  He is one of my bosses.  He told me I 'had achieved rockstar status'.  It was nice to achieve a little recognition for all the work I had done the night before.  Many people including the news director told me how much they appreciated all my work.  I even got a round of applause from the news team.  It felt really good!  But this was not the end to the craziness.

My reporter, Stacy was working on a story about an accident that occurred over the weekend.  Some firefighters and EMT workers were on scene of an accident when a drunk driver hit them head on.  it happened at 2am so we didn't have any footage but we were going to do a general story about worker safety.  We had an interview at 2:00pm and our story was going to be on the 7:00 news with a shorter story airing in the 6.  We had our work cut out for us.  While we were with the EMT workers we got an e-mail with the names and addresses of all the victims.  This made the time crunch worse because we were going to have to knock some doors to try to get an interview.  Except the EMT workers who were with us knew the EMT worker who was hit and gave us his number.  We called him and he was willing to talk to us.  We got a great interview.  So we arrived back at the station about 3:45.  Stacy quickly logged the video and I began editing.

About 5 I was all done with the VO/Sot and just waiting for the script for the package.  We were feeling prepared. But then we got copies of the dashcam footage from the scene.  It was really graphic, as in seeing people get hit head on by a car graphic.  We couldn't show some of it but there was a lot we could show.  This was the most recent stuff we had and wanted to lead with it.  So with an hour before air we had to get the footage from the disk to the drive, edit it and put together a new VO/Sot.  With minutes to air I was exporting.  But we did it.  This left an hour to edit an entire package.  I was stressing with a smile on my face.  Somehow with help from outside this world we got it done.  It turned out good too.  Take a look if you like.  I really like how it turned out. Especially considering the time crunch.

WCIV-TV | ABC News 4 - Charleston News, Sports, Weather
As stressful as it was it was the best too!  That is what this job is all about!  Deadline and killing it!  I'm having way too much fun.  I feel like I became part of the team after all this.  They like me, they know what I have to bring to the table!  It's a blast!

My New Life

Much like the actress Amanda Bynes I too have become a new person.  No I didn't shave half my head or get busted for Marijuana, that one belongs to Amanda only but I have in the last month, graduated from college, packed my life into a very small car, and moved across the country.  I then started a job, went to the beach almost a dozen times, and rapped for my ward.  My name is Emily Landeen and this is my new life.

I've got this feeling

It's the same feeling I got at Westland Elementary.  I remember we had one day towards the end of school.  It was field day.  We all got to go outside because it was finally warm.  We spent all day playing games from kickball to water balloon volleyball.  It was always one of the most anticipated days of the whole year.  There is a certain feeling you can get.  It is so tangible that you can almost smell it.  It smells like fresh air and mowed grass and joy.  It is the feeling of summer and anticipation.

When I went into middle school the feeling was the same but I got it when the middle school awards ceremonies were near.  It was less of an excitement to go play outside and more to see what awards I got that year.  I, being the smart-aleck over-acheiver I was, always came out with straight A's.  Let's face it, the 22 year old me would've beat the 14 year-old me up hard core; then taken me out for ice cream and bought myself some jeggings, taught me how to use a straightener, and explain what kissing a boy is like.  Anyway, middle school had the same feeling only with a tad more anxiety.

High School end of year time was still the same feeling only with a lot more stress.  I was yearbook editor so end of the year meant finishing everything and getting it to the printer and handing them out.  It was a big ol' deal.  By this point I definitely wouldn't say I was cool but I did have friends so end of the year meant parties, bon fires, and sleepovers.  It meant trips and camping.  It meant looking back at the tough year and saying, I did it, I survived and next year is gonna be so much better. Still it felt like hope and otter pops.

In College the feeling usually feels like finals, books, and long hours at the library.  It's not miserable though.  I loved being at the library all day.  I love making it my only priority.  I love getting to the library, neglecting my studying and watching Netflix all day.  Let's face it, that was the real finals week was like.  I love cramming until midnight the night before and waking up feeling uprepared and scared I'll fail out of college. I love when that last final is over and I get to walk away looking forward to the summer.

Today was the last day of classes, the last day of work, and the last day of ATV News.  I'm moving to South Carolina in two weeks to start a full-time job.  For at least the next five years I most likely won't be in school at all.  So that feeling was about 1000 times bigger than usual.  I've been doing this for the last 18 years of my life.  Now, I won't.  Now I start a new chapter.  Now I go on another adventure.  I'm gonna highlight some people in the next few posts.  People who have changed my life.  Without them, I wouldn't be who I am.  You already know who you are.  You are the ones that made me want something more than just happiness.  You wanted me to reach for the best, to be better, and to love more than I thought I could.

Until then, I'm going to hold onto this feeling.  The one that says, "Go out and play before the world comes crashing down, because it's field day, and you need a day off"

~Emily

Big News! I'm Growing Up!

There comes a time in everyone's life that they have to grow up.  Even Christopher Robin left the hundred acre woods eventually right? The Green Power Ranger eventually grew up and taught school, reprising his role in Power Rangers like 8 years later, fun fact.  And just as they grew up I get to take the next step in my life.  Are you ready?  Are you sure?  Ok . . .

I have been offered and accepted a job at WCIV Charleston, South Carolina.  It's a ABC affiliate television station.  I will be a full time Videographer for them.

There it is.  I'm moving across the country.  I move in two weeks.  I'm going to a place that I've never been, know no one, and is about 200% more humid than Utah.  Ok you can say it, I'm crazy.

The Fear
Am I freaking out?  About every third minute.  It'll hit me, the reality of the situation.  I'm going to be further away from my family and friends than I've ever been in my life.  This is my first job and I will have to really throw myself into it.  I don't have a place to live yet and have to move in about two weeks.  Yeah.  How can I do this!?  I might not be able to get home for Christmas.  It could be a while before I am back in Utah at all!  I have lived here my whole life.  I have never lived further away from home than Logan, Utah.  I have never had a full time job.  I have never lived in a sauna before.  Ok now that I've officially freaked you all out and you are sincerely worried about my safety let's move on.

The Fun
It's always been a dream of mine to have the courage to go out to somewhere completely new and immerse myself in my atmosphere.  Looks like fate listened.  When I initially applied for this job I thought it was a long shot.  Who's gonna hire a Photog straight out of college and help them move across the country.  But I applied because I was keeping expectations low.  I tweeted the chief Photog (basically the boss) and he gave me his e-mail.  I bugged and bugged him until he called me.  We interviewed, he called my great references, and two days ago I was offered a job.  The Chief Photog Dave MacQueen is an insanely nice guy.  He was willing to do whatever I needed to help me move out.  He said he could look for apartments for me, put me in contact with people, he made it very clear that I was valuable.  When I told my teacher, Brian Champagne, he was stoked.  My whole department was stoked. They have already been giving me contacts they know.  My roommates have been insanely supportive, jumping up and down with me and giving me hugs through the anxiety and waiting.  One not-roommate but boyfriend-of-roommate has visited Charleston and was one of the first people who made me want to live there, telling me how amazing it is.  It is a gorgeous city, right next to the coast. I'll be leaving the mountains but I'll send you all pictures of the beach.  Yeah. I've already looked up where churches are located and been working on getting in contact with potential Bishops.

Help!
Here's where you come in dear readers, friends, family etc.  For one: make sure you miss me a lot.  I will miss all of you I promise!  Skype and Facetime are definitely welcome.  Two: visit.  Um . . . now you have a reason to come to the east coast.  I'm doing you a huge favor here.  Most importantly, I need your help.  If you know anyone in Charleston, South Carolina.  I could use contacts.  If they are LDS it would be especially helpful.  Once I find housing life gets a little less stressful.

In any case, I'm moving.  I will be gone a week or two after graduation and be living and working in Charleston.  Wish me luck and give me lots of hugs and prayers.  I'll do a whole post about everyone who has influenced my life, especially at USU but thanks.  Thanks for eating cheeze its with me and taking long drives out to Tremonton, and taking me fly fishing.  I owe you!  Love you all!

~Emily Katrina Landeen.

Muddy Buddies v. Men

The other night I was sitting at home with my roommate and we decided to have a night in.  Ok ok scratch that.  It was a Friday night and neither of us had dates.  We were forced into staying in so we decided to make the most of it.  Dominos and a movie seemed sufficient.  We discussed if there were snacks to be had during this movie and it both hit us like a double-decker bus: Muddy Buddies!  Chocolatey Peanut Buttery goodness that take like 15 minutes to make but satisfy you for a lifetime!  Our game plan was sound.  Hit Lees to pick up ingredients and order pizza over the phone so we could pick it up on the way to the Hastings to get the movie.  Under an hour and we were all set.

 So we made these Muddy Buddies while discussing the pathetic-ness of our lives as single students.  But as we sat down to watch this amazing movie (Flipped, rated PG I give it 3.5 stars.  A bit cheesy but great life lessons) I thought about how much better Muddy Buddies are than an actual man.  Now I'm not going to made a Ven-diagram or T chart as much as I'd like to.  I am simply going to explain that night with Muddy Buddies and you can draw your own conclusions.

When we were all ready and in our Cozy Wozies as I like to call them we grabbed our blankets and got ready to start the movie.  Knowing I was all set I went to the kitchen and got my muddy buddies out of the fridge.  Bringing them into the front room we settled down onto the couch.  They of course didn't mind that I needed to move around a bit to get comfortable. It took a few minutes until I found the right position but then I was comfortably watching the movie.

Now Muddy Buddies are sweet and delicious.  However there was a point when I had enough and wanted to put them to the side and simply watch the movie.  I needed to stretch out and wanted some personal space.  It wasn't that I didn't like the Muddy Buddies it was just that I had had enough . . .for now.  So I put them on the table and guess what?  They didn't take offense or try to come back they were just content to sit and wait until I was ready for more, which eventually I WAS!

At the end of the night I was tired and full.  I had enough Muddy Buddies for one night and was ready to say goodbye.  Rather than overstaying their welcome they simply let me put them in the fridge knowing that I would come back if/when I wanted some more.  I got to go to bed when I wanted and everyone was happy.    There was no definite commitment that I would want to share another occasion with my delicious treat we just lived in the moment and enjoyed the sweetness of life.

Now I know your rebuttal here:
-You are just sad that you don't have a sexy Hugh Jackman in your life.
-You are scared of commitment and need to learn to share your life.
-Give someone else your attention, it's not all about you.
-You got to eat a tasty treat but did you get to make out with a hot man that night?

To all this I respond: What are you talking about, I just like Muddy Buddies!

A Fresh Start

You know what sucks?  A lot of things actually.  Let's list a few just to be on the safe side.

-Being Sick
-Breaking up
-Getting behind in school
-Crying
-The Cold

Ok, now just so you all don't think I'm a crazy pessimist (sp?) let's list some good things:

-Sunshine
-Laughing
-Hot shirtless superheroes
-Fruit
-Addicting Music
-Posters of cats dressed up as the seven dwarves 

Ok, so now that I think I've balanced my life out a little, let me explain.  That first list is the consistence of my existence in the last four weeks.  (I'm not sure if I used consistence right here?  I've been out of skool 4 a wile).  Now I know what you are thinking:  Emily if you didn't want to be cold you shouldn't have gone to school in Logan, if you didn't want to get mono you shouldn't have been kissing that random hobo, and if you don't want to break up learn to be a healthy adult who doesn't run away from emotional connections.  Geez stop nagging me already, can I at least get a chance to defend myself?

It started back right after Christmas.  I was working approximately 40 hours a week at this lovely little TV station called KSL.  You might have heard of it.  Yeah I'm just going to let you soak that up for a sec, just like I soaked up all the germs in that lovely office.  Now, I love that place with my whole heart but it is a freakin incubator for germs.  I was using a different persons equipment every day, using the phones, the GPS, the cameras (once again I'm boasting for dramatic emphasis), their wireless microphones, their sweet light kits, you know all that snazziness.  So one day I was not feeling so good but you know it's flu season so I don't really think to much of it.  Suddenly I am freakishly tired like every day.  For a person who prides herself on all night marathons this was a bit off. But, hey I was working a ton so maybe it's just that.  My eyes are also insanely swollen.  I looked like I got pepper sprayed.  But hey I sleep so much maybe it's just a bad combination of work and sleep.  I push through it working as much as I possibly can.  Finally I resign to that evil man in a lab coat they call a "doctor".  Two eye infections.  Gee thanks.  Still I'm exhausted.  My eyes unswell a bit but not back to normal.  I look like an old man.  You know how as they age the bottom lids of their eyes start puffing out.  Well that was Emily Landeen to a tee.  It was disgusting.   So fine I will go to another doctor.  After explaining all the symptoms I was told I had a sinus infection.  Ok bring it on.  Sure.  What the heck.  So I got new antibiotics and was sent home.

So I moved up to school feeling pretty disgusting but with hope that I may start feeling better.  Guess what? I didn't. No, in fact I felt worse.  I woke up the first day of school wanting to kill myself.  I made it to class, barely, then was sent home.  So I figure ya know what?  These doctors are getting paid for something, let's go wait an hour an a half in the InstaCare.  Yeah that sounds like a great use of my time.  I watched an episode and a half of "Switched at Birth" in the waiting room and I'm sorry but just not my type of show.  I mean it's ABC Family to start and I just do not see the appeal.  Ok back to my sicky state.  So finally these doctors were going to do some tests.  We did strep first then Mono.  And sure enough it was Mono!  Now upon first glance I was almost, how to say this appropriately, excited?  Mono is kinda a famous one.  Like, you get to sleep all the time, and you get a cool rep because it means you've been kissing, I was feeling kinda cool.  Bonus: They gave me a pink bandage from where they took the blood; always a plus.  So I got home, found a very kind person who drove to my house to give me a blessing and gave me some company.  Who knew it would be the only real company I would have for the next three weeks.  I've been soakin in for all it's worth.  I went to bed after e-mailing all my teachers and the next morning was Hell.

Now I have my own vision but I'll let you pick your own.  Imagine the worst torture scene you've ever seen in a movie (or in real life for all my Navy SEAL followers), it was worse.  I felt like someone had reached down my throat with a syringe and filled my tonsils to their limit with acid.  That's as descriptive as I'm gettin.  I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I didn't even know what day it was.  Finally after a few days (I honestly couldn't tell you when) my lovely mother and brother picked me up.  I wasn't gettin any better at school and had completely lost track of when I last took drugs.  If the pain came I'd pop 4 more painkillers.  I got home and slept.  That's pretty much it, I just slept.  I dreamed about Narnia and Middle Earth, part of me still believes I was actually there for a time.  I would wake up, drink some food and go back to sleep.  This was my life for a week.  Then slowly I could move.  I could make it from my room, to the front room without taking a break half way.  I was healed!  I hurriedly grabbed my stuff and moved back to school!  Fun fact about Mono, just because your tonsils aren't twice their normal size and you can open your eyes doesn't mean your better. I went to one day of work and classes and I was back down.

Long story short I'm still here.  Still sick.  Still hating every second of my existence.  Ok that is untrue.  I am inside all the time.  I've made it to two classes this semester.  My teachers are great though and next week I should be back at 100%.  Let me make two more comments and then I'll get to my point I promise.

During this first round of Mono I didn't know what I had.  I was tired all the time.  That was about it.  New Years Eve was a bust, I fell asleep at 6:30pm.  Now I'm not going to get into my relationship and the break up but I'll say that Mono didn't help.  When you are trying to be a good employee, a good sister, a good daughter, and a good girlfriend and you get that sick, the things that can break usually do.  I'm not saying it wasn't right or that it wouldn't have happened if I was as healthy as a (name of animal that is healthy here) but Mono definitely didn't help.  Also I came back to school and it was so dang cold!  What the heck?  It is seriously like -13 degrees all the time.  So hating my life on that account too.  Ok so if you are still reading this (and I don't know why you would be, it's like the most depressing post ever) let's talk about me now, the post mono, single, person writing this post when I should be still recovering and sleeping.

I feel like this Mono thing changed me in a lot of ways.  I don't just mean my appetite (I don't like Cheeze-its anymore, it's a sad day) but a lot of things have changed. I think I appreciate simple things like walking, and talking, and opening my eyes.  When you lose things and feel like you are going to die, you start to count your blessings.  You realize the people in your life that are going to be there for you no matter what.  You know who you can rely on to help you out and who is ultimately going to leave you in your darkest hour.  Some amazing angels heart-attacked my door at college.  I didn't even realize they were thinking of me.  My roommates checked up on me, my mom babied me and nursed me back to health.  My wonderful sisters knew I couldn't hardly talk so they would IM me on facebook when they wanted to chat.  People prayed for me and called to check up.  I felt the love of pretty much everyone.  It was amazing.  I really want to live every day trying to be a better person.  I want to learn how to be more healthy, physically and emotionally.  I want to understand my wants and needs better.  I'm excited to do this.  I want to care for others the way I have been cared for in the last few weeks.  I want to do service!  I have a lot of work to do but I hope to do it healthy and Mono free.  I made two lists at the beginning of this post.  One was all the crappy terrible things that had happened to me in the last week. The second is all the fun happy things I've experienced in the last few days.  The good is always better than the bad.