Last Night in Alaska

I was hiking in Utah a couple weeks ago with my dad and I ran into someone I knew from Alaska. She had just gotten married, we talked about how the wedding went and then she asked what I was up to.

"I'm moving to Seattle."
"What?"
"Yup I start work in July."
"You? Seriously?"
"Yup!"
"I never thought you'd leave Alaska."

You may have thought the same thing. Emily Landeen loves Alaska. She loves her job, her friends, her hikes. You NEVER thought Emily would leave Alaska  Yeah, neither did I...

But yeah, it's true. This is it. I'm leaving Alaska. Tomorrow, actually. I just looked out the window and the sun is setting on my last day in Alaska. I mean it's Alaska so it's setting very slow. It's 11:00 now so it'll be another hour before it's below the horizon easy. I've been here for 3 years and I'm leaving Alaska. It feels weird to say it honestly. For the last 3 years every blog post, every Instagram, every comment to friends and family have basically been why I live in and love Alaska. It's been what the latest adventure has been or what I've added to my Alaskan bucket list most recently. It's been me asking people to come visit me and planning trips for family. And now, I'm voluntarily choosing to move elsewhere. If I were someone else I'd probably slap myself. This post is really three fold. One, I just want to record some of my thoughts and feelings of my last night in Alaksa. Two, I want to share some of the best things that have happened to me in Alaska. Three, I want to answer to why question so that I can look back at it in the hard times that will come.

This is a picture of me the first day I came to Alaska.

Oh young Emily. You knew so little about the world. You posted pictures of what your bedroom looked like and got excited when looking at the trees outside your window. You had very little Instagram game and was ready to meet ALL those beautiful Alaskan men. You weren't sure what Alaska would be like or if you'd make any friends at all but you hoped at least a few people would pity you enough to say hi. Oh Emily, you had no idea.

I came for the job. It was sold to me as a job unlike any other in the country. You flew over mountains and forest fires and shot stories about unique people in arguably the most unique state in the US. All I wanted to do when I came here was travel. That was the point. I wanted to cruise around Alaska in small planes seeing this state. The first 6 months I had nothing. I worked so hard but there were people who had more experience and the reputation for delivering. It is hard to invest time and money in someone who hasn't proven herself yet. But eventually opportunities came. I could talk about Shageluk where I saw 100 Wood Bison being released into Rural Alaska. I could talk about my first local flight. It was to Valdez and I didn't think anything could look more beautiful than flying into that mountain range. I could talk about flying to the Aleutian chain. It took three hours, we flew over rivers, ocean, glaciers and volcanos and we didn't even leave the state. But I want to talk about Denali Base Camp. Mostly because I think it was the epitome of what I came to Alaska to do.

You have to say what you want. I learned that in Alaska. The quiet kid will never get a day off and never get the dream shoot. You have to speak up. Not annoyingly, but you have to ask for something in order to get it. I mentioned to a reporter, Bonney Bowman, that I'd love to do a trip to Denali Base Camp. That mountain had been something I adored since the first time I jumped into a car and drove to flattop at midnight to see the sun setting behind it. Before I got the job in Alaska I had seen others do stories up there and I wanted to feel that energy. I didn't want to hike Denali because I like oxygen and living but I wanted to see it. A few months later I found out I had an opportunity to go. The military in Alaska sets up base camp at the beginning of climbing season. They bring supplies up in Chinook Helicopters. Bonney asked if I could be the photojournalist. I was about to live one of my Alaskan dreams.

We flew out of Talkeetna. It was a beautiful clear day and the public relations team included Col. Brown. Bonney and I had worked with him before. His memory of us included us asking if we could sled down a hill at a military base. The answer was a very friendly no, in case you were wondering (we did it anyway shhh!). He was the public relations man we were working with. He could read my excitement from the beginning. We geared up and went to the chopper with all the media people. The best part was when they told us we could harness up and they would drop the back hatch so we could film outside the chopper. There is nothing worse for a photojournalist than filming out of a scratched up window and nothing better than knowing we could film beautiful mountain footage without a door in the way. There was also a bit of fear mixed in.



Chinooks are very steady but very loud. We all had earplugs in but the ride was otherwise very wonderful. When the time came I felt the carabiner attach to my harness and I walked towards the back of the aircraft. Adrenaline, fright, excitement, and about a dozen other feelings came all at once. I mean, how many normal humans have done this?! My legs were shaky so I took a knee and filmed as we swept across mountains. Perfectly white untouched mountains. There is a reverence to it. I was in awe. When we had landed and the earplugs came off things got even better. Walking outside was like staring at the sun. everything was so white everywhere. We had a sunny day so it was quite warm. We started walking around and got extremely warm. The sun beat off the snow and was warming us up quick. We delayered and asked what the temperature was. They said about 30 degrees. It felt like 70. The military, in their very military way, went straight to work and so did we. The story was pretty straight forward. The soldiers talked about how this training was really unique to Alaska and how they were excited to be a part of it. When we had wrapped it up we had a little time to enjoy the beauty around us. We took pictures and laughed and played in the snow. I played in the snow on the largest mountain in North America. How cool is that!?

When we arrived back in Talkeetna Col. Brown said every time he looked over at me on the plane I had the biggest smile on my face. I'm not surprised. My face reflected exactly what I was feeling inside. Pure joy. The purest and the realest joy I could have ever felt.

I've had many experiences like this. I've sat on a boat in Southeast Alaska watching whales feed. I've climbed mountains in the middle of the night because the sun wasn't setting, I've watched bears just feet away from me as they feed on Alaskan Salmon. I've stood under the Northern Lights and gone to work just hours later. Alaska has been good to me.

Now I'm trying to believe that all that goodness doesn't mean the next chapter of my life will be less good. I'm trying to beleive that I haven't peaked in Alaska at the ripe old age of 26. Tomorrow I leave for a new journey. A journey that has been my dream since I started this career. Ay Mamá What do you do when Your dreams come true? When you get an opportunity for something great but it means you have to leave something you love how do you do it?

Here's what I've come up with: I have a great life here in Alaska. I have friends and community. I have more than enough mountains for a lifetime and the job was amazing. But the unknown is also great. 3 years ago Emily didn't necessarily love climbing mountains. She had never dreamt of the Northern Lights. She didn't even know you could survive in 60 below nor shoot video in it. She didn't know much about the Iditarod or salmon fishing or glaciers. She had never seen a whale or a bear in the wild. 3 years ago Emily didn't know what she was missing in her life but 3 years later Emily can't imagine her life without those experiences.

So bring it on Seattle. Bring on the rain (TM Jo Dee Messina), bring on chasing waterfalls (TM TLC), and bring on McDreamys (TM Shonda Rimes). Mostly bring on all the things that in a year or two I wouldn't ever know I could live without. I've got nothing but learning and growing to do lets do it in a new place.

So what's the big deal about the Aurora?

Alright folks, it's time I talk about something Alaskan. I have discussed everything from menfolk to TV to a few of the actual emotions I have from time to time but let's face it, that's not why you click on my links. You click because I'm your cool Alaskan friend and you are hoping that every post will provide some insight to what it's like living on top of the world.

I remember the first day I saw Anchorage. I remember going out onto the Seward highway and seeing the Cook Inlet surrounded by perfect mountains. I remember going to a barbecue and talking for hours on end not even realizing that it was 1am because the sun was barely setting. I remember my first sunset on Flattop and snowshoeing through the mountains in my insanely warm military grade Bunny Boots. I could describe all these things in length but my heart really lies with another subject. I've been trying to write this post for months and with a recent experience I think it's time to talk about the Aurora Borealis.

Everyone loves summers in Alaska. That's when the tourists come in by the hundreds. I understand. In the summer you have train trips, camping, hiking, and warm weather to do it all in. It's on it's way. Spring has sprung and with it the days in Alaska will get longer. I never thought I'd be as sad to see winter and darkness leave. If you had asked me 4 months ago I would have told you that I'd trade a kidney for some sunlight. It's amazing the power of one beautiful sight can do. One night the clear skies overlooking the 49th state changed everything. Let me take you back to that day. See, I write many blog posts and only about half ever see the light of day. But I'll take an excerpt from that post. I said,

"It's cold. Really cold. Like, I need to buy warmer everything. It's dark. The sun hardly comes up and when it does it's cloudy. Contrast that with what I moved away from in Charleston: Sun, sun, a little rain, then more sun. My two lives couldn't be more different. When the seasons started changing my mood did too. I don't know if it is seasonal affective disorder, homesickness, hormones or some combination of the three but it wasn't fun. The absence of genuine happiness is very tangible. One night I walked outside to see if the skies were clear. That's when I first saw it. The sky was dancing. There were blank boring dark spots but there were spots with green lights that danced. It would move slower then disappear all together. I laughed, I felt like a ten year old kid, experiencing something new."

Seeing the Aurora is like feeling a completely new emotion. It's spiritual, It's romantic, it's exciting, like an adrenaline rush of joy.  I don't think I've ever seen anything like it. I think from that first time I saw them, I decided I would never miss an opportunity to see the lights.

Which brings me to March sixtee- oh wait no. Which brings me to March 17th. I was working nightside on the 16th and heard about the storm warning. No not a thunderstorm or a blizzard or flash flood warning. A Geomagnetic Storm, the best kind in my opinion. Let me put it in terms that may or may not be accurate: solar wind comes flying towards earth at a million miles an hour, hits atmosphere, mixes with elements (oxygen, nitrogen) and makes pretty sick colors in the sky. Anyway I heard this storm was coming my way and knew I only had one choice. Venture around the state with two goals: stay awake and see the lights.

The lights were currently forecast at about a kp5. the higher the number the better chance you have of seeing something. A kp5 is worth a trip out. So about 11pm I headed for the hills aka Eagle River. There was a spot there I had gone before with good results. I was also going by myself and hoped this place would be popular enough that I wouldn't get murdered or kidnapped.

Let's pull away from the sciency, kp, geomagnetic crap for a sec though. The Aurora is a lady and she doesn't show up for just anyone. You can look at all the stats but if she doesn't want to show up she don't! The key then is patience. Will you out-wait the posers? Will you sit for hours in the cold with no results? Will you drive to the middle of nowhere so the conditions are perfect? Will you pee in the middle of the woods so you don't miss anything?  If yes, you've got a shot at seeing the once in a lifetime beauty.

Eagle river was deserted. Apparently the rest of the world missed the Aurora memo. There was one car of what I can only guess by their music was hoodlum teens doing some weed  (it's fine, totally legal).  I stayed there not too long because it was really windy and this was not the best location. If it was going to be a long night I needed to head to another super secret location. I drove for a good half hour, found the easily-missed road, and parked in a deserted area. I can't tell you if I felt more comfortable here or around the drug using teens but there was no turning back now!

I sat for about an hour not seeing much. It was an overcast night and the clouds were blocking pretty much everything. A light diffused haze reached towards the north but after an hour I was ready to see something. It was, after all, about 1am at this point. Finally it started up. It was straight overhead with green lines coming straight down at me. The wind had no effect on me as soon as I saw this. It danced for a while then as quick as it had come, it left again. Most people would say, ok good, I've seen it, I can go home and sleep. See, I'm not most people. I checked the updates and saw it was going to get up to a kp 6.3 in about 40 minutes. That means way more of what I just saw! So I settled in with my Diet Coke and listened to my iPod.

An hour went by and it was time for round 2. This was completely different than what I had seen in the past. Imagine a thunderstorm inside the clouds so all you see is part of the sky light up for a second then go back to black. Now imagine that cloud being green and seeing the stars behind it. That's what it looked like. Usually the lights streak across the sky in a pattern but this was so different. Like music notes. I could have listened to that song all night! It was like fantasia 2000 where the wales are flying in the sky. Once it died down I decided it was probably time to call it quits. You know you've exhausted every effort when your Diet Coke is gone and you're listening to Simon and Garfunkel's greatest hits for the second time that night.

Driving home was the easy part. As I got back into town I decided to just check the forecast one more time. That was my mistake. In 5 minutes the lights will hit a 6.5.  Luckily I live in a dark neighborhood. I literally laid on the cement and watched the sky overhead give me a classically beautiful show. But it could be better and flattop mountain was only 10 minutes away. And I was awake anyway, and tonight might be the last good night... So once again I jumped in the car and headed to flattop. A few others were there taking pictures. I hiked up and watched the sky dance around me. It's amazing to see how many patterns lights take. streaks sideways, straight down at you, flashes of green. I think I saw it all. The rest of the night was an ebb and flow of lights. I would stay outside as long as I could stand then huddle back in the car and try to stay awake.

Bedtime came sometime around 6am, which is a shame because the lights peaked at about 6:30. Still it was worth it. I don't think I'll ever take those lights for granted. I also don't think you can capture them. Pictures are beautiful and I've taken my fair share but when it gets down to it the lights are an experience. An experience everyone should have in some way. They are a little piece of the sun, saying hello in the darkest of days.

Epilogue:
 The next morning it made national news how great the lights were the night previous. Media outlets announced the storm saying the following night would be just as good. I did go out again. There were tons of people but most didn't stick around too far past midnight. I watched a pretty good show, not like the night before of course, but good nontheless.

Flirtation Bingeing, Hangovers, and the Dismal Season 7

Binge-watching

We've all done it. You find a show. A show that has 7+ seasons on Netflix. It's the best/worst day of your life. On the one hand, this show looks so amazing that knowing these seven seasons will fill your future makes you happier than a Hobbit before second breakfast. On the other hand, you know that any social life you have, any family that might want to talk to you about, you know, real life will suddenly find themselves wondering where you've gone. Because you will literally be hole up in your room during any spare time you can manage. You immerse yourself in the lives of these characters. You quote it constantly, get weird looks from people who don't understand why you are saying things like, "treat yo' self" and "Luke can waltz!" and "you have failed this city!" To them it doesn't make sense. To you, it's everything.

I'm about to connect this to dating. I can pretty much connect TV to any aspect of life but this one is not that far fetched. You know when you meet a cute new person that you actually have chemistry with? It's like a breath of fresh air because you've spent countless dates with random guys wondering if you honestly just have the weirdest personality on the planet and would get along with Whiskers the cat better than real humans. But alas, you have found someone that is attractive both in physical nature and personality. You spent 5+ hours with them and didn't get tired of them. What's more, they liked you too! In the words of the wise Tom Hanks in 'You've Got Mail', "I would have asked for your number, and I wouldn't have been able to wait twenty-four hours before calling you..." You honestly feel like this is your life.

So for a solid week, or month, you are in this excited adrenaline of bliss. Every free moment is spent on this person. Your friends know it because it's all you talk about. If you aren't talking about Adorable Man (or woman), give it a moment. This is how it goes...

Friend: I'm really tired!
You: Me too! I was up all night hanging out with Adorable Man

Friend: I'm so excited for this weekend!
You: Oh my gosh, I know. Adorable Man is taking me out! It's gonna be great!

Friend: I'm starting to get worried about the situation in the Middle East.
You: ... (says nothing) ...
Friend: ... (says nothing) ...
You: (decides it's been long enough to change the subject) So the other night I was hanging out with Adorable Man and he just grabbed my hand and left it there. I was freaking out! It was magical.

So this time period is what I'm going to label the binge-flirting stage. Like the shows we discussed earlier you are consumed by this new attraction. It's what you think about from the moment you wake up, seeing the cute smiley faced text, until you bid them farewell that night. This stage isn't likely to last long but you are clinging to it with everything you have because, let's face it, it's fun.

Flirtation Hangover

From the title of this stage you are probably thinking this stage hurts. I've never actually had an alcoholic hangover but from what I gather, they are not enjoyable. A Flirtation Hangover is not unenjoyable at all! Like a common hangover it occurs after the most fun part. After the endorphins are spent and a good number of dates together comes the Flirtation Hangover. Usually it begins after the physical barrier is broken. Maybe you are snuggled up with them, maybe you kissed them on the face, maybe you discussed some sort of title for your relationship. In any case you have fallen into a happy, relaxed state. You are not talking about them constantly anymore but when people ask you about it you are happy to relay how wonderful you feel about the whole thing.

I wish this stage lasted longer. You aren't losing sleep over them, you aren't trying to impress them. You like them and they like you and you are just being happy. I'd call it marriage but it's not quite that real. It's more like a content dream. It's like, nothing life throws at you is even going to hit you. You have escaped from the world and are living in this Flirtation Hangover.

Following our TV analogy, this is like season 2 or 3. It's usually the best season. It's the season where the director knows best what they are doing. You aren't quite bingeing with excitement, just binging because it's routine. You aren't pushing next episode on Netflix, you are just letting the autoplay do it's thing. Maybe you've heard this show gets pretty stupid later (Christopher and Lorelei season 6). Maybe you know it got cancelled way too early and only has 2 seasons (#pushingdaisies). It's not something you actively think about because you are enjoying the season you are in currently but it's in the back of your mind.

The Dismal Season 7

There is nothing worse in this world than watching a show that had so much potential and so many viewers ruin themselves. It's usually with some insanely ridiculous storyline like an evil Peter Pan. Sometimes it's because of a cast change up, like letting the most amazing independent female Israeli assassin Ziva David leave the show #neverforgotneverforgave. Sometimes they were all just in purgatory the entire time.... that one's the worst. You invested the time, you resistantly binge-watched through the rough season 5 because you had faith it would get better but you are left in season 7 with this terrible regret, like you just wasted the last few weeks. The show wasn't what you thought it was, it wasn't what you expected. You read the reviews but you didn't listen, figuring your tastes in TV shows were different than theirs. But like them you were disappointed. The worst part is that you invested all that time thinking the show was something it wasn't. And while the high of binge-watching was exciting and the hangover was comforting, the disappointment of an unfulfilling end makes you wonder if all that other stuff was even worth it. Sometimes you don't even finish the entire show because this season is so bad that you can't even muster up the motivation to keep watching. Why end it when you are not even sure if you like the show enough to do what needs to be done.

If you're struggling to figure out how to connect that to TV Shows just replace the sentiment of the show with the significant other.

The Last Episode

Most TV shows and relationships, even the bad ones, have a decent ending. It's not the ending you wanted when you started but with everything you've been through in the last month, you accept it's the best you're going to get. Ok, this is as far as I can take the analogy with both.

When a relationship, any relationship, ends you can't pretend it doesn't suck. You have, after all, invested some significant time and a more than significant amount of your heart. But by the end, most of the time you just want it to be over. After all the drama and unreturned texts and phone calls you are so done and just want it finalized. Depending on the other person the ending might be pretty anticlimactic. They might just send a text that says, "So, is it ok if we don't hang out as much anymore?" I mean, you're grateful they said something but it's not exactly what you wanted to hear. The opposite end of the spectrum is an open conversation over hot cocoa where you are able to analyze what didn't work and learn something. I like learning something so I know what we could have done differently. You don't always get this. Usually things are so messed up by the end, if there is a conversation it's just to get your Taylor Swift album back and officiate an ending.

When you watch the last episode of a terrible TV show you cry, not because you liked the show overall but because in those last 23-42 minutes you said goodbye to everything you fell in love with. No you didn't love every minute of the show but a director makes the last episode of a television show a tribute to the best of the show. They pull in all the stops: a lunch at Luke's Diner, a cameo by old cast members, maybe even a "That's what she said" by Michael Scott for the loyal fans. You cry, you laugh and when the final credits scroll you do feel closure. You feel clean and possibly watch some cheesy tribute videos on YouTube.



I'm not saying this always happens. I'm not saying bad relationships can't be fixed or good relationships don't fall apart. I'm not saying there aren't any great shows that last 7 seasons. I mean come on, West Wing, MacGyver, Little House on the Prairie, need I go on?! But for the shows that fall under this category; the shows that start good and end bad, the only thing you can do is wait. And then, after an amount of time that you can only decide . . . you slowly and carefully scroll down and place your cursor under "People who watched _____ also liked . . . " and away you go.

"Darling I'm a Nightmare Dressed like a Daydream"

Confession: I love Taylor Swift's new album. I know what you are thinking, "How could you? You have spent the better part of your teen life wishing Teardrops on My Guitar was a song about a guitar prodigy who gets in a serious accident leaving him blind (there's poetry in that) and Love Story ended the way Romeo and Juliet was meant to end with death and tragedy and people learning stuff!" This is true. Most of Taylor Swift's career has been poppy country-ish songs about how she's in love with the boy who doesn't want her and how in the end love is victorious even when you date a tool.  Gross. Nobody wants that.

I'm a hopeless romantic with a purpose. I don't love Twilight, I don't necessarily believe in love at first sight, or even soulmates. I don't think love will conquer all. I don't think just because you love someone life gets easier. I don't think two people who might have a chance will get that chance when they are far emotionally or physically. It's a nice idea and creates a fun storyline (to be clear I'm talking about Slumdog Millionaire here not Twilight), but it's not really what I believe in.

Oh yeah, and I definitely do not like the song "Shake it Off". Gah, I remember when this song came out and I was intrigued because of it's reputation on Social Media but after I listened to it I felt no originality. I didn't see emotion or even a decent beat. There was nothing about his song that stuck out as art to me. But the rest of the world loved it so I kept it to myself.  When the album came out I received several snapchats from friends excited to listen for themselves.  I didn't give the album a fair chance until I saw this:

While Pentatonix could read the dictionary and make it sound amazing, come on, that is solid. And you know which song is the worst of all during that mashup? Yup, Shake it Off! I mean I get that your single could be different from your other tracks but I feel like that song was completely disconnected. Pentatonix gave me hope because it meant the album had a shot.

 Here's where the problem came in. Taylor Swift decided to be very tight about where her music was displayed. She's not letting Spotify touch this album. YouTube keeps taking down any of her 1989 tracks. Unless you actually buy the album it's almost impossible to know how the music sounds.  I listened to covers good and bad.

Then two days ago the song "Blank Space" came out as a new single on iTunes. Take a moment here:

That song is not "Shake it Off" in rhythm or rhyme. The story is your basic "fling" relationship from beginning to end. My favorite part in that song is the fight in the middle. I love the scream singing. The passion is beautiful! I mean really it's just fantastic. I think I listened to this song 30+ times the day it came out. It's just different and great and has a fantastic beat. In that small yet perfect moment I became a fan. It's sad, a little, because it's not necessarily my "type" of music. It's the same way I felt when I read "The Fault in Our Stars" and loved it. I became the 99% again. I like something that has millions of likes and will be overplayed on the radio in a month. But I do! I like it a lot.

So why? Why does some of her songs make sense to me and most do not?  I think it comes down to the way we love. I began by telling you all the ways I don't love and what I don't believe in.  While I don't believe in young T-Swift love, as she grows up we understand eachother a little better.

I believe in female empowerment! "Blank Space" is a great example of this. She's got the power through the whole song. The man, while attractive, hardly says a word. I also believe in heartbreak. It's love at it's worst. Teardrops on my guitar never spoke to me but "I Wish you Would" does. It also has wicked harmonies, or at least this cover I heard does, I have yet to listen to the actual song. "Bad Blood" speaks of betrayal, "Style" is chemistry, and "New York" is adventurous. They all mean something to me and they all have amazing rhythm.

I don't like her whole album, I haven't listened to her whole album. I just know my idea of love is empowering, passionate, heartbreaking, regretful, frustrating, difficult, exciting, and sometimes short lived. That's how this album connected with me. Except Shake it Off, that one was just a swing and miss.

Confession: Love Songs After Dark with . . .

It's 7:00 on a Wednesday evening. The sun is starting to set (accept in Alaska), the work day is ending, the time to relax has begun. What are your plans? Do you have friends to catch up with? Alcohol to consume? Maybe you'll snuggle up with your love. Maybe you will cook and eat a delicious dinner before curling up by a fire. These are all great things to do. I'm about to let you in on a secret. For the past few nights I have had a lovely evening myself with someone I hold very dear. Her name is Delilah.

Now give me a second to bring you back to my childhood. When I was a wee lass I remember listening to the radio in the car. Mom would put on KOSY 106.5 a popular Utah station for adults and mormons both of which fit my mom's demo. As the sun went down the local DJ would finish up his/her segment and pass it along to the one and only Delilah. Now I do not know Delilah's last name. I don't know where she lives or what religion she is. I don't know if she is a doctor or a therapist or has any degree at all. What I do know for sure is that listening to her is the best medicine I could have for a bad day next to talking to my own family.

If you have never had the privelage of listening to Delilah let me break it down. Have you seen Sleepless in Seattle? No? Ok take two hours, watch the movie then come back...

Blech.

I just felt like I needed to write some thoughts down today. I woke up feeling depressed. I hate it when that happens and when I scope through the reasons most of them don't make sense. They are all short term reasons. They are all stupid things and none of them are sporadic, unexpected or in any way life altering. And yet, I feel like I do. I live in Alaska. I shouldn't start feeling depressed until the middle of winter when there is like 3 minutes of sunlight a day. And yet, here I am, constantly at the edge of tears.  So all I can do is try to make sense of what I know is consciously bothering me and hope the depression sinks out of me with every word.

I miss my family. I saw them like 2 months ago but I still miss them. I just found out I won't see them again until January. That's a long time. I'm missing big moments. One niece is growing up and another is about to come into this world and I won't be there; not for the baby shower or the baby blessing. I'll miss holding her in the hospital and decorating a nursery. Some of that maybe I wouldn't do anyway but I would have liked to have to option, you know? Now I found out that I won't even spend her first Christmas with her or with any of my family. I missed Christmas last year too. I know I am making conscious decisions that put me in these situations but it doesn't make it easy to eat fast food on Christmas Day. I just really hope it's easier this year.

I miss my friends too. I have friends in Anchorage, sure, but I miss the ones from Charleston. Talking on the phone is nice but not the same. One has dropped me all together. It's hard to let a friendship die, especially if that person was important to you. Especially if that person drops you without any explanation at all. It's just tough.

Besides that gloom, I'm sick. I hate being sick. It's like all the energy I'm used to having is drained from my body. I'm at the beginning of being sick too, which is miserable. I tried to kick it early without luck so now I just have to wait it out letting each stage take its course. I think about calling in sick to work but that will just prolong the sickness and the depression. If I'm at work my mind will be off by sickness. But when I am at work sick, I'm not at my 100%. I'm struggling to walk from point A to point B. Add 50 pounds of equipment and I'm not doing too well. So then I'm more depressed because I feel like I'm under performing. You see this cycle?

And you know what is best for you when you're sick? sleep. And you know what I can't get at all right now? Sleep. I'm on call this week which means at any point this week work can call me and tell me to go out and cover any story. Now this hasn't exactly happened yet but the looming thought that it might literally keeps me awake at night.

I know I'll get better. I know I just have to endure. I know I have a lot of amazing blessings in my life that I should focus on. Many of these problems are short term like the sickness and the on call. Others are a little longer but still short in the eternal perspective. But all I want is for my mom to make me soup and give me a blanket and let me watch movies as I'm laying on the couch. I'd also like to be 2000 miles closer to my family and be able to date the people I want to date without all the complications life brings in like timing. There is nothing I hate worse than timing. Is that really too much to ask? Ok it is. I'm sorry any poor person that stumbles onto this post. I'm not a cynic. I don't hate life often. When I do it's usually short lived. I just don't like the down times. They make me sad and hopeless. Things work out, life happens, do your best, and any other happy crochet sayings you can think of.

Emily Out.

The Highs, The Lows, and How Everything Eventually Works Out

DISCLAIMER: I've been watching a british comedy called "Miranda" all day. If any British slips in, I apologize.

Do you think we, as humans, crave drama? I mean subconsciously, of course. I don't think anyone wakes up in the morning and says, 'I really want to get a call from an irate friend, or if only I could have a crazy day filled with nonsense I will feel so much better'. But there is a rush I get when I know a rumor or when someone has just confronted me about something involving me. I listen intently, then ponder on it, then ask everyone I know what they think about it. That's the high. It feels exciting for the first few days in a strange, silly way. The low comes after you have dealt with it or after a week or so, when it's not even remotely fun. Anyone that has ever been in the fourth grade knows this. The problem is, in the fourth grade we get addicted to it, and for some it takes well into their early 20's (or longer) to get rid of. I know. That's a decade.

So how do you deal with it? How do you work out the drama-rama? No I'm actually asking. No I'm not. Or am I. No. Or- ok really though. Here was my latest method.

Let it go Oh sorry I heard that phrase was banned in the colonies. I mean move past it. Not the situation, but drama altogether. I mean look at yourself. Look at those wrinkles. Check out that nasty clicking jaw caused by stress clenched jaw syndrome (true story). This isn't healthy. When faced with drama, say NO. Similar, you may notice, to what you might answer when facing crack-cocaine (more commonly known as "the drugs") or a boyish attitude late at night. So what if this drug dealer doesn't take no for an answer. What if that stupid man face tries to push his luck. Well we run away. "run away and never return" ~Lion King, Scar/Simba circa 1994. Ok but let's get realsies here. It's really not worth it right? Drama was fun in the fourth grade, it made for some good talking points in high school, but aint nobody got time for that in their 20s. Sometimes this means losing friends, sometimes it means staying in on a Saturday night, sometimes it means moving across the country (foreshadowing....), but mostly it means choosing healthy relationships rather than toxic ones. Looking at the longterm, rather than the short term. It's hard in the beginning but if it's right it gets easier.

Lastly things do work out. Sometimes not how you would expect them to, but they do work out. I've learned you can't live in fear of what is to come. You can't be worried about other people's choices when there is nothing you can do to change their minds. You must move on with your life. Move forward. Take care of the things you can control and trust that everything else will work out. You will learn to be happy wherever life takes you as long as you are living the way you should be, working hard to put the stress and drama behind you.